Chapter 128

His face was pale, but his eyes were sharp.

More vicious than I imagined, far heavier, and unbearably cold.

Those eyes that felt like they could tear my skin just by brushing past fixed on me.

Then a crooked smile formed at the corner of his lips.

I couldn’t say a single word.

The anger Johan showed wasn’t hot.

It was so cold that my fingertips tingled, and it felt like cold blood was running through my pounding heart.

So the moment I opened my mouth, the words I spoke would fall like ice onto the floor.

And then he would crush them underfoot, come closer, and pour out the anger piled up inside him.

“Giselle.”

The end of his voice cracked.

My name sounded bleak, like the darkened edges of his eyes.

I took a step back.

My shoulders trembled, afraid of the resentment and blame he would show.

Johan swallowed a rough breath.

He smiled, clear and sharp, almost like it carried the scent of water.

A sinister glint flickered in his blue eyes as he asked, “Did you enjoy your trip?”

“…Johan….”

Johan stepped closer by exactly the distance I retreated.

The slightly open door shut on its own.

Click.

It locked.

“Go on. Explain yourself.”

“That….”

“Go on.”

Instinctively, I realized that if not now, he wouldn’t give me another chance to explain.

“…I did it because I like you. I really like you…… I didn’t want to drag you into the world I live in.”

Johan let out a scoff, then suddenly burst into rough laughter like a drunken man.

“Hah. Hah hah! Hahaha!”

He looked like a patient having a seizure from pain.

I had never seen this side of him before, and it terrified me.

His teeth clacked together. My lips went dry.

“Haha! Hahahaha!”

Johan laughed madly for a long time, then stopped all at once, like a light switching off.

There was still a trace of laughter in his eyes, but they were cold enough to freeze me to death.

“I told you many times. That I could throw everything away. You knew that included my life, so why can’t you understand something so simple?”

Each word he spoke made it harder to breathe.

The only reason I could hold my ground when we first met was because Johan had been going easy on me.

“How should I carve it into that tiny head of yours?”

Johan reached out his hand.

His fingertips brushed my cheek.

Blue City’s winter is known to be warm, but his hand was ice-cold.

The touch was gentle.

Like a fabric shop owner worried about creasing delicate cloth.

“Answer me. Giselle. You should know. Ah. If you don’t want to remember, I can make sure you have no choice but to.”

“J-Johan….”

My fingertips grew cold, and my body started to tremble.

Johan raised one eyebrow as if amused by my reaction and spoke harshly.

“I lowered myself because I knew you were afraid of me, and I treated you as gently as I could. And that’s what made you look down on me? Was it fun leaving on your own without my permission?”

The hand that had been brushing my cheek slid down along my jaw and lightly wrapped around my neck.

It felt like my neck could snap with just a little pressure.

“I thought about it. You decided my life twice. So maybe now I have the right to decide yours.”

There was something crude in his tone, mixed with elegance and the kind of roughness you’d hear from back alley thugs.

His thumb brushed up and down along my neck.

A tear fell.

He smiled in satisfaction, wide and bright.

“You’re not answering. Then choose from the options.”

Our eyes met, gleaming. Like a beast that finally succeeded in its hunt after a long hunger.

“Giselle. My love. Do you want your head blown off, or do you want to live like you’re dead by my side?”

I had awakened the beast’s wild nature that had been quietly subdued.

I only realized it now.

***

The anger I’ve known was always hot.

It blazed and swelled, so intense it felt like my skin would burn.

At times like that, apologizing and giving time for the emotions to cool down was enough.

But with Johan, I don’t know what to do.

I truly don’t know.

“Eat.”

Johan ordered.

But I was so tense I couldn’t swallow anything.

Unlike me, Johan sat across from me, sipping his coffee with elegance.

“The passenger with a broken neck… it’s a bit disappointing that the sympathy you show a stranger doesn’t apply to me.”

“How did you know?”

“Your best question is how I knew? Do you think I came all this way just to hear something like that?”

Johan twisted his lips after taking a sip of coffee.

“Giselle. I tried my best for you. When there was a bounty on your head, when you were bedridden in despair because of Raphael. Each time, who was the one who stayed by your side?”

“….”

“You’re not answering again. If you think I still have the patience to endure this, then I suppose you’re rating me very highly.”

“….”

“What’s with that face. Shouldn’t you be grateful after I warned you this kindly?”

“Anything I say right now will just sound like an excuse.”

“Then make that excuse. You like me? That wouldn’t be an excuse; it would be a lie.”

A lie….

Even though this is something I caused, that word feels unbearably awful.

“I know I betrayed your trust. But I was sincere.”

“How will you prove that?”

The only way to prove feelings is through words and actions.

But I never properly expressed my true feelings to Johan.

On the other hand, he had shown his emotions clearly all along.

Crying in this situation would only look like a lie meant to torment him, so I bit down hard on the soft flesh inside my cheek.

“You can’t answer this either. All you know how to do is run.”

With a faint scoff, Johan leaned forward and brought his face close to mine.

Seeing his wavering eyes up close, my gaze dropped without realizing it.

He said as if crushing the words, “Go on. Try one of those lies you’re good at.”

“….”

“Hurry. I’m very curious what nonsense you’ll come up with.”

“…I missed you.”

Once I put it into words, I couldn’t keep it in anymore.

“I missed you so much.”

“I told you to make an excuse, and you’re trying to save face.”

“It’s true.”

Clink!

The coffee cup shattered. Coffee dripped across the white table.

I swallowed.

His breathing was rough.

Even I think this sounds insane in a situation like this.

I chewed my lower lip like I was gnawing on meat.

“I’m sorry for hurting you.”

No matter how I think about it, this is the only thing I can say.

When I lifted my head, Johan’s face was flushed red and blue with anger.

“I don’t know how to make you forgive me. This isn’t an excuse or an attempt to save face. I’m sincere. I really missed you, and because I liked you, I believed you should be the only one left in the mess I live in.”

“….”

“You know better than anyone what my life is like, what the underworld is like.”

“Even knowing you could die?”

I nodded.

Crash! Shatter!

The picture frame on the wall broke, and the vase shattered.

Startled, my body flinched. I squeezed my eyes shut and steadied my breathing.

Johan shouted harshly, “If something had happened to you, I would’ve cursed myself for the rest of my life. For the rest of my life, every single moment! You say you like me? If you really did, you should’ve understood my feelings!”

“What am I to you, Johan. What am I, really….”

No matter how I try to control it, I can feel my face twisting.

I’m nothing special, and Johan is… Johan.

A man who’s too precious, someone I love.

“Because it’s you! You’re the one who saved me, who rescued me, who made me fall in love….”

His voice choked as he forced the words out, then he glared at me with bloodshot eyes.

His jaw clenched as he breathed roughly.

Johan suddenly stood up, turned away, and covered his face.

He went to the window and looked outside, trying to calm himself.

And I sat there like a criminal, watching his back.

His crumpled clothes, disheveled hair, and thin shoulders showed how he’d been living.

Without turning around, he spoke in a hoarse voice, “The part about asking for first place… was that a lie?”

“It was the most sincere truth I had.”

“Ha! So it was a sincerity with no value at all.”

I understand he’s angry, and I know I’m at fault, but hearing him mutter that made everything I’d been holding back surge up.

“…I told you I didn’t want this.”

Johan turned sharply to look at me.

My voice trembled violently.

Under the table, I gripped the hem of my clothes tightly.

“I told you I didn’t want this! Why do you ignore what I say?”

“Stop.”

“I told you over and over I don’t want to be with you! I’m not obligated to act the way you want!”

“Stop.”

“You say it’s fine to throw your life away, but it’s not fine for me! I didn’t want to watch you ruin your life because of me anymore!”

“I said stop.”

“We’re not engaged, we’re not even in a relationship, it’s just feelings! If we sort them out properly, it’s over! So why are you making me the bad one!”

Mana sparked around Johan, snapping and crackling.

Just hearing it made my stomach churn, but I didn’t stop.

“I thought leaving you was my proof.”

Crunch! Crash!

Something shattered, and a scream slipped out of me before I could stop it.