Chapter 126

No matter how much he thought about it, he couldn’t figure out why Myers took the name Sunshine.

Unless he asked him directly, he would never know.

― I can’t feel the hand you turned into rags. I need White Hands.

“Why are you looking for White Hands from me?”

― That’s harsh. I’m still your younger brother. I warned you so many times, really, over and over. To live your own life. You’re the one who ignored my warning.

“Then why did you ignore mine? Why did you take the drug yourself?”

― I… had to find true happiness. The drugs our parents made led everyone to ruin, but the drug I’m making will bring real happiness. Just wait a little. I’m almost there. Very soon.

Ha.

Thud, Tristan pressed his forehead against the wall.

His breath caught.

Myers had lost his mind because of their parents’ death.

Losing his family to drugs had left him with a wound he couldn’t overcome.

So he couldn’t accept the loss and clung to delusions.

“If drugs had no side effects, wouldn’t both the users and their families all be happy?”

It was Tristan’s fault for not protecting him properly, even though he knew how sensitive and fragile he was.

Swallowing the sob rising in his throat, Tristan dragged a thick hand down his face.

His palm came away damp.

“Myers… please, just….”

His mouth was dry.

His throat burned, his mind burned, his patience burned, everything burned away.

As he sank into the ashes in his chest, only the things he had to remember floated to the surface.

“Paul Dawson. Thirty-nine. That day was his first wedding anniversary. During the funeral, his mother was carried out, and his father’s chronic illness worsened to the point that he could die any day.”

Tristan’s voice sank low.

“Don’t you feel anything?”

― No.

“Nothing?”

― Yeah. Nothing.

His heart pounded with anger.

He wanted to grab a gun, run out right now, drag Sunshine back, and kill him for spouting that kind of nonsense.

The fact that he had resolved to kill his only brother, Myers who had driven him this far, this whole situation… everything was too horrific.

So Tristan poured every curse he knew into the receiver.

“Hey, you—”

He scraped together every filthy word in existence and hurled them at Sunshine like arrows.

But in the end, it didn’t come out as anger. It turned into resentment.

“…What the hell is wrong with you! When you see kids who became orphans because they got hooked on the drugs you made, don’t you feel anything at all? What kind of broken mind does it take to turn into a bastard like you!”

As he breathed hard, trying to steady himself, the voice on the other end spoke.

Unlike him, who was worked up, Sunshine replied as if he truly didn’t understand.

― It wasn’t our fault our parents ended up like that. That was just a natural disaster. Same with that man. When you face a natural disaster, shouldn’t you blame God, not me? Though I don’t know if there even is a God in this world.

“Ha….”

Feeling empty, Tristan sank down onto the floor.

He couldn’t even tell what was boiling inside his chest.

Was it anger, bitterness, sadness, guilt…

― If you get in touch with Giselle Moltke, tell her this. I’ll forgive her once, so she shouldn’t be afraid.

Click.

The call ended.

“…Fuck.”

He couldn’t get through to him.

Maybe he’s lost his mind from being soaked in drugs, but that… it’s not just his brain. It’s like the person himself is broken.

“Fuck, fuck!”

Bang. Bang!

Tristan slammed the back of his head against the wall and screamed.

“Ah! Aaaahhh! Aaaah!”

No matter how he thought about it, that day was the problem. The day he shouted at him to try it himself.

Unlike him, Myers was gentle and kind.

Even when he acted calm, his heart was soft, so he got hurt easily and felt pain easily.

He should have taken proper care of him, when he was already deeply shaken by their parents’ death, but he couldn’t even handle himself and turned away.

This is the price he’s paying.

“I was young too… I was scared out of my mind too… huhhh….”

He pretended to be strong in front of Myers, but when he put his fingers under their drugged parents’ noses to check their breathing, he was so terrified he nearly retched.

He ran into the bathroom, splashed cold water on his face, and spoke to himself in the mirror.

“It’s okay. So don’t show weakness in front of Myers.”

Since their parents couldn’t act like parents, he wanted to at least act like an older brother.

That was the best young Tristan could do.

After they went to the facility, he was afraid he would end up living a ruined life like his parents.

So he was busy proving himself at every moment.

That he could live a proper life unlike the Bernadette couple, that his life would be different from theirs, he fought desperately against his anxiety.

Was this something he had to pay for like this?

I’m not your parent, so what was I supposed to do for you back then?

“Why me… ughh, huhhh… what do you want me to do… huhhh….”

Tristan sobbed, his face flushed red.

He doesn’t know why life feels so heavy.

He clenched his teeth as if to kill himself, held his breath, then gasped and cried, over and over.

***

After searching Blue City all night, Johan returned to Tristan’s house late at dawn.

“You’re back.”

Tristan Lindbergh, half sprawled on the sofa, greeted him.

Seeing him, Johan frowned reflexively.

The dining table was as much of a mess as this city, his face was swollen as if he’d been crying, and beer spilled from the cans tossed on the floor.

He thought he was the only one living like a wreck.

“Disgusting.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Johan was about to leave the living room, then stopped at the thick smell of alcohol.

If he wants to continue tracking Giselle’s traces, he needs to lie down now and get at least a couple hours of sleep.

But seeing the state he was in, he couldn’t just walk away.

In the end, Johan went to the kitchen, grabbed something edible, and set it on the coffee table with a thud.

“What’s with the drinking?”

The face that always carried a strange composure was so swollen his features blurred.

The stench of alcohol didn’t even need mentioning.

He heard a hostage died right in front of him because of Sunshine.

But that happened a while ago, so why is he crying like that now?

“Want a drink too? Want a sip?”

“No.”

“They ransacked your apartment on the news. I heard you signed that lease with a fake ID.”

“I did.”

“You’re a criminal yourself, yet you run around catching criminals. They’re saying all sorts of things. That neighbors are spreading your sketch, that some guy or girl visited you, that you’re having an affair, it’s a mess.”

“I expected as much. It’s not like this is the first or second time the media has acted like that. Don’t worry about it. More importantly, did something happen?”

Johan quickly cleared the table.

Leftover pizza, empty beer cans, spilled drinks, crumbs.

By Johan’s standards, hell had arrived.

“Hey. Do you have anything you regret?”

“I do.”

“What is it?”

“….”

“If you start talking about how you regret not following Giselle or whatever, I’ll kill you.”

Even after drinking that much, his pronunciation was quite clear.

“That’s something I regret too….”

Johan hesitated for a moment before answering.

“Before my great aunt passed away… I regret not showing her a better side of myself.”

“Great aunt?”

“I said something I shouldn’t have. That I wanted to choose euthanasia. I didn’t think I could accept a life where I couldn’t see or walk. She cried a lot because of me.”

“So White Hands was the one who healed you.”

“Yeah.”

Johan took the beer can from Tristan’s hand and brought it to his own lips.

Whenever he thought of her, a part of his chest always ached.

If he had to define this feeling, it would be guilt.

When Johan glanced sideways, Tristan sniffled and steadied the emotion rising in his heart.

“I….”

Letting out a heavy sigh, Tristan looked utterly exhausted.

“My biological parents were drug dealers.”

“I see.”

“They were trash. Just taking drugs at home.”

Tristan pressed his lips together, then gave up on choosing his words carefully.

“They should’ve just abandoned us at an orphanage or died earlier. Myers couldn’t accept that they died and went insane.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“It’s not my fault. It’s not, but… he was my younger brother. I should have, should have….”

Unable to handle the surge of emotion, Tristan clenched his teeth.

Trembling as he tried to steady himself, he was no longer the hero who ran through the city.

He was just an ordinary man in his twenties who should have been able to get drunk with friends, do stupid things, and later brush it off as something from youth.

“Fuck. I acted all high and mighty in front of Giselle.”

Johan quietly patted Tristan’s shoulder.

Johan knew well that grand words of comfort weren’t what he needed.

“I don’t have siblings, so I can’t fully understand how you feel. But… you were a child, and I think it’s a good thing that you’re someone who can feel pain because of your younger brother.”

“Is that supposed to be comforting?”

Tristan let out a scoff at the clumsy words that were far from comforting.

But Johan didn’t care.

“At least I won’t have to kill you.”

I don’t want to kill you.

At Johan’s sincere confession, Tristan fell silent for a long time.

Johan hoped his clumsy words had offered him some comfort.

“I always thought you were crazy, but today I’m a bit jealous. I wish I could kill him that easily too. Then I wouldn’t be drinking like this.”

“Weren’t you planning to kill him?”

Johan waited for Tristan’s answer with a subtle expression.

“On the day the hostage died, that’s all I could think about. But as time passes, it gets harder. The dead hostage’s eyes keep flashing before me, and I’m like an idiot. What kind of justice is this? I’m just a coward.”

Johan fell silent for a moment.

As the conversation abruptly stopped, just as Tristan began to feel something was off, Johan spoke.

“Do you know this? Sometimes, I envy you.”