A Mad Lady’s Confession - Chapter 22

The weather, just entering summer, was clear. The sun had yet to reach the middle of the sky, so the temperature of the air was still bearable, and the vitality of the season overflowed everywhere. They said summer was what the people of Lemren loved most. It certainly seemed so.

Eleanor fidgeted with her chilled fingertips as she gazed out the window at the unfamiliar surroundings.

Inside the marquis’s drawing room, she had come to apologize, just as Matthias had told her to.

‘It’s wrong to suspect someone. But it’s suspicious. Even now…. No, still… You can’t just suspect someone like that, it can happen! No, it’s wrong. …Right, it’s wrong.’

You said you’d bend, El. Let’s not create any more conflict. If I apologize now, I can spend the remaining time peacefully again. So… let’s endure.

The air in the drawing room, where not even a cup of tea had been served, felt stifling.

“I apologize for making you wait, Madam.”

The seasoned butler offered a polite apology.

“I regret to inform you that the young lady is currently unwell and unable to receive you.”

“Ah, is she very ill?”

“She is not in a condition to receive guests.”

Eleanor felt both troubled and apologetic. If Miss Sorelson truly was innocent to the point of falling ill, then Eleanor had indeed committed a grave wrong.

At the same time, she felt at a loss, since she couldn’t even meet the person who was meant to receive her apology. She didn’t know how to convey her intentions.

In the end, she had no choice but to turn back slowly and leave the drawing room.

After that, every day, Eleanor visited the marquis’s house to apologize. But each time, she was told Miss Sorelson was ill and couldn’t meet her.

“…Madam, I’m sorry….”

“Hm? What do you mean?”

Eleanor turned her gaze from the window to the seat across from her.

It had already been five days. Each morning, Eleanor rode in a carriage to the marquis’s house, only to return without catching even a glimpse of Miss Sorelson’s hair.

Lili, who accompanied her to attend to the madam, felt as though all of this had happened because of her.

“I, I… I spoke carelessly….”

Her small head hung low. Was she sixteen? Eleanor thought back to when she had made her debut.

She had been so nervous then that she couldn’t remember anything properly, but even now, one thing was certain. Sixteen was undeniably young.

“It’s alright, Lili. Is it possible that what you saw was mistaken?”

As she had done several times before, Lili searched through her memories.

It wasn’t a mistake.

When Lady Jules and the madam were heading toward the dining room on the first floor, she had clearly seen Miss Sorelson coming out of the madam’s drawing room. She even remembered that the young lady had arrived slightly late to dinner that evening.

“…No, I definitely saw it.”

“Then that’s enough. …It seems I should have approached it in a different way.”

As Eleanor let out a small sigh, large tears fell from Lili’s eyes.

“Why are you crying?!”

“Sniff….”

Lili was simply sad, afraid, and sorry. At first, she had been afraid of being dismissed, but now she felt sorry toward her mistress and pitied herself.

She was, after all, the Duchess. And yet, despite visiting the marquis’s house several times already, the only one to receive them was the butler. The lady of the house hadn’t even come out once.

Lili knew at least that much, if nothing else. When a female guest visited, the lady of the house was supposed to receive her.

It was pitiful, upsetting, and infuriating that her mistress wasn’t even being treated properly. Even so, there was nothing she could do, and her mistress remained gentle, which made it all the more sorrowful.

“Don’t cry….”

Seeing the young face shedding tears, Eleanor didn’t know what to do. She felt like she wanted to cry even more.

Should I have endured a little longer, like the doctor said? It felt as if everything was because she was lacking, and Eleanor felt lonely.

When she let ‘Del’ go, she had resolved through countless nights at the clinic that she would manage well on her own, but in this moment, Eleanor missed ‘Del’ terribly.

“…You said you have many siblings, Lili?”

At the question thrown out like a murmur, Lili wiped her tears and looked at her mistress’s face.

“Yes, madam…. I’m the eldest, and I have two younger sisters and one younger brother….”

Lili sniffed as she answered.

Eleanor felt very envious of Lili. Of course, she also had an older brother and sister, but for some reason, she had always found them difficult.

“Your siblings must be very happy. Having an older sister like you.”

“…M-me?”

At the unexpected praise, Lili flushed and sniffed, embarrassed.

Eleanor took out a handkerchief from her small handbag and held it out. When Lili, startled, tried to refuse, saying she couldn’t possibly take something belonging to her mistress, Eleanor silently placed it in her hand.

“An honest and courageous person is very rare.”

“….”

“And it’s also a very difficult thing.”

For a moment, Lili seemed dazed by Eleanor’s words, then suddenly burst into sobs.

“I have to… sniff… be of help to my siblings… th-that’s why… I want to keep serving you, madam…. I want to keep working at House Nielsen… sob… I don’t want to be dismissed, madam.”

Eleanor went and sat beside Lili, who was crying. Just like ‘Del’ had done for her once when she was crying.

“You don’t have to worry about that. …I’ll make sure nothing like that happens.”

Through the carriage window, the now familiar marquis’s mansion came into view. As she soothed Lili, Eleanor steeled herself.

She was only a duchess in name, but if she could, she wanted to grant at least this one small wish of Lili’s.

However, in the end, that day’s apology also didn’t happen. Just when she felt relieved to hear that Miss Sorelson had gotten out of bed, she was told that she had gone out.

Blaming herself for not arranging an appointment beforehand, Eleanor once again left the marquis’s house with Lili, her steps dragging.

The carriage rattled as it moved along slowly. Watching the scenery pass by outside the window, Eleanor recalled her conversation with Dr. Milton.

“At times, I get so angry I can’t control it at all! …I can’t restrain myself in those moments. Why did ‘Del’ have to end up like that? Why were ‘Del’ and I born this way?”

“I understand you. But El, think about it. What did you and ‘Del’ gain from being angry?”

Del disappeared forever. Eleanor overlaid her answer onto that memory.

“Nothing. That’s what anger is. The only thing that burns is yourself.”

“…Then what should I do?”

“Endure it. And forget.”

To endure and to forget.

That was the answer Dr. Milton had given. To some extent, it was effective for Eleanor.

More than anything, experience proved it. In the end, what was consumed by that blaze of anger like a heap of burning firewood was herself.

“Madam!”

At the call, Eleanor straightened the gaze she’d left on the window. The carriage had already come to a stop. Lili hurriedly opened the window by the carriage door.

When did it start raining? Outside, rain was pouring down. The coachman, Pete, removed his hat and spoke, “A stone fragment is stuck in the wheel, madam. If you wait inside for a moment, I’ll go and bring another carriage to escort you!”

Because of the rain growing heavier, droplets clung to the coachman’s face as well.

Eleanor leaned her head slightly out and gauged the distance. The carriage had just passed through the arch gate of House Nielsen. It seemed there wasn’t much distance left to the mansion.

“I’ll get down.”

“Madam! Please just wait—”

“It’s right nearby. I’ll go ahead and send someone, so stay here.”

Despite Lili and the coachman’s attempts to stop her, Eleanor stepped out of the carriage. She felt as though everyone was going through this trouble because of her. Just because of her, everyone was making unnecessary effort.

It was about seven hundred meters along a gentle slope to the mansion. She thought it wasn’t something she couldn’t walk.

Lili opened the parasol prepared inside the carriage, but it was useless against the slanting rain.

Under the downpour, Eleanor’s dress was quickly soaked through. Her neatly arranged hair grew damp with water as well.

“Madam! I’ll go ahead!”

Lili tried to take the lead to block the rain, but with her small frame, it was no use.

Eleanor felt sorry for Lili once again. Would it have been better to stay in the carriage? While thinking that, their steps reached the front of the mansion.

The frail parasol ribs, barely able to block sunlight, had bent under the rain and wind, and the two of them looked thoroughly drenched and pitiful to anyone who saw them.

“,,,Madam!”

At Lili’s voice, Eleanor wiped the rain running down her face and looked toward the entrance of the mansion. In the entrance, occupied by two carriages, she saw the shocked faces of the butler and the head maid.

She also saw Lady Jules’s astonished expression. A gorgeously dressed woman with dark brown hair wearing a gold-embroidered dress stood there, along with Miss Sorelson, whom she hadn’t been able to meet despite visiting several times. And also….

Matthias, whom she hadn’t expected to be at the mansion at this hour.

They were, as always, elegant, beautiful, and dignified. And above all, they weren’t soaked by the rain at all.

They were the complete opposite of Eleanor.