A Butterfly Through the Mist - Special Side Story 6

It was hard to believe, but for now, it was the only convincing hypothesis she had.

The thought dawned on her that, belatedly, what they had done in bed might have been nothing more than play for him. Ilex was the type who enjoyed making her flustered like that, so it wasn’t impossible to imagine.

But still…

Feeling the urge to reject her own deduction entirely, Tilia clenched and unclenched her hand.

Since he couldn’t take his eyes off Judy’s baby, she had assumed he must like children.

Remembering the unexpected expression he had shown, she slowly furrowed her brow.

The baby born after her closest friend had endured so much pain was objectively adorable, but Tilia still wasn’t sure whether that tiny, lovely creature was worth such agony.

Since it was her first birth, Judy had spent an entire day in labor before finally bringing that small child into the world. Not only the physician and the midwife, but even several clerics had been called to take care of her. That was how difficult the birth had been.

Even after suffering through so much pain that her whole family stayed awake with worry, Judy had shown not a single sign of resentment toward the baby. Instead, she felt sorry, saying Charlotte must have suffered too because it was her first time.

In truth, that selfless, devoted attitude had been more striking than the baby’s tiny movements.

And even more striking than that was the sight of Ilex Davenport seeming to understand that kind of love completely, something Tilia found utterly incomprehensible.

How?

Watching Ilex show his first moment of empathy toward Judy, who was tearfully apologizing to Charlotte, Tilia had been utterly baffled.

She hadn’t known before, but now she understood. Neither of them had grown up under proper parents. Neither had experienced the kind of unconditional, wholehearted love Judy gave her daughter.

Tilia had believed that the reason she couldn’t empathize with Judy’s feelings was simply because she too had never received that kind of love.

But when even Victor Bartlett, who adored his daughter beyond measure, was met with a sympathetic smile from Ilex, Tilia had no choice but to feel confused.

A baby. A baby…

It was from that moment she first began seriously thinking about the existence of a child.

She had always thought she would never become a parent. The word mother itself felt foreign and awkward. Most of all, she had no confidence she could fulfill the role of a proper parent.

But when she saw Ilex clearly wanting to hold the baby yet refusing out of reluctance, she felt a shift in her thoughts.

Even if she couldn’t be a good parent, perhaps Ilex could.

In truth, the belief that only someone who had received love could give love was wrong. Hadn’t his devotion to her already proven that?

There was something he had that she did not. And with that, he would likely be able to raise a child properly. Just as he had once guided her with endless affection, he would be able to help a person grow.

If she had Ilex to make up for what she lacked, wouldn’t that be enough?

Once her greatest fear eased, a curiosity she hadn’t even realized existed began to bubble up.

A baby would certainly be different from her father or brother, who shared her blood yet had felt more distant than strangers. And surely different as well from Ilex, with whom she lived but still did not quite feel like family.

A baby she and Ilex created would likely feel like her true flesh and blood.

Judy had said she finally understood the expression “so precious you could put them in your eye without it hurting” when she held the daughter she had given birth to.

The background that had made her friend wear such an expression, as if proving that saying true, filled with unconditional love, made Tilia curious. She wanted to know what that feeling was. The feeling of loving someone with such absolute devotion that they ceased to feel like a separate being, even though they were genetically similar yet ultimately someone else. The feeling of cherishing someone so deeply that fear and pain could be forgotten.

Because Tilia had lived for so long suppressing her own emotions, and because the love she had first experienced had been so overwhelmingly good, she had begun to wonder what other forms of love might feel like.

Of course, it was the kind of thought she could only afford now that she could ride in a high-class hired carriage. If she were still standing at the edge of a cliff, she would never have had the luxury to indulge in such curiosity.

Compared to the life she had lived so far, the time she’d spent with Ilex Davenport would barely amount to one tenth. Yet the days she spent with him completely overshadowed the years before it.

The days spent under his love softened her in an instant. They lowered her once-bristling quills, hid her claws, and made her exaggerate even the smallest pains.

It was that newly softened heart that allowed her to accept the existence of another being. She had only realized it now, but perhaps the boundary had already disappeared long ago.

It had clearly been her, after all, who had never pushed him away when he asked whether it was all right not to use contraception.

And yet, after changing her so deeply, it turned out he supposedly didn’t like children.

Tilia consciously steadied her breathing and forced open the fist that had tightened at some point.

She wasn’t planning to start dramatic prenatal care already. As far as she knew, she was only around twelve weeks. The fetus probably didn’t even have ears yet.

But even without ears, she figured it wouldn’t be good for a baby to sense the curses in its mother’s heart.

First, she needed to confirm it. Confirm it, and then…

So Tilia slowly took a deep breath and tried to think as calmly as possible.

Only then would she decide what to do about that bastard.

***

The wheels of the hired carriage came to a stop in front of Essentine Mansion with such gentleness it felt almost polite.

Still lost in thought up until that moment, Tilia only began preparing to step down when someone tapped lightly on the carriage door.

But the moment the door opened and she saw the man extending his hand toward her from the other side, she felt a sudden urge to shut the door again and run off to anywhere else.

Ilex Davenport, who surely knew where she had gone and whom she had met, was standing there with a face that was calm to the point of serenity, ready to escort her.

No.

Staring at his shameless face, Tilia reminded herself of the resolve she had solidified just moments before.

She couldn’t run away. Not until she confirmed the truth.

Repeating it to herself once more, she placed her hand on his arm with a matching air of calm. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw his shoulders, tense with anxiety, subtly relax.

Strangely enough, that eased her mood just a little, and in a low voice, Tilia said, “Come with me. I have something to say.”

She hadn’t gone to the parlor or the bedroom but had come all the way out to the garden because she wanted to clear her thoughts while facing the open air.

But the spring breeze, filled with the softness of the season, did nothing to cool her reason. Instead, it swelled the emotions she’d been trying to subdue.

In the back garden, maintained with meticulous effort by the gardener, roses of every kind were blooming in full splendor. Even the air brushing her cheek carried a sweet floral scent so thick it felt as if she were breathing perfume.

Sensing the fullness of spring with her entire body, Tilia felt her insides bubbling even more instead of calming.

She’d been able to confirm it from his reaction when he showed not even a hint of disturbance at the sight of her arriving in a hired carriage rather than the Davenport family carriage. Ilex definitely knew she had met the physician.

She had never believed she could completely deceive him in the first place. The physician was his family’s own, and the meeting had taken place in the villa he had gifted her.

She knew full well that it had been only a formal pretense of secrecy, and that she had been able to meet the physician only because he allowed it.

If so, he surely knew exactly what she was about to say.

Even though a gentle spring breeze stirred outside, her insides burned like midsummer. The sound of footsteps quietly following behind her, without a word, tossed more fuel onto that fire.

Knowing everything, yet pretending to know nothing like this…

Even though she tried to hold herself back, anger surged up.

Who told you to sleep with me without contraception?

Her being pregnant was entirely his responsibility. Perhaps not entirely, but at least seventy percent of it was on him.

She had truly not been thinking about a child at all. Everything that had made her seriously consider the possibility, everything that had moved her toward that thought despite her caution, had been entirely his fault.

Yet after doing all that, after pretending to want a child enough to fool her completely, now he was acting clueless.

Did I make the baby by myself? Who was it that was so eager to finish inside?

Maybe it was because of the pregnancy, but instead of simply feeling angry, she felt wronged. She knew this was something she should raise logically, calmly, yet tears threatened to spill in a way that was completely unlike her.

Hold it in.

Taking a deep breath and releasing it, Tilia forced the tears back. The sting at the tip of her nose made her eyes prickle, but she suppressed even that and tried to steady her heart.

Holding back the urge to explode like a volcano, restraining the desire to lash out and argue, she recalled the thoughts she had sorted through inside the carriage.

For now, confirm whether my guess is correct.

There’s a chance I’m wrong.

There was no need to be angry before confirming everything. No need to be shocked before knowing the truth.

Trying to step back from the situation in her mind, Tilia slowly came to a stop. Then she took another deep breath and turned around.

But at the moment she turned her back, she felt the heart she had finally steadied surge violently again.

“…Are you crying?”

What came into her wavering vision, blurred with confusion, was the sight of a man shedding thick, heavy tears.