A Butterfly Through the Mist - Chapter 75

After that, Tilia Ambrose strangely appeared in Ilex’s field of vision more and more often.

Each time, she was either holding a book, reading one, or looking at a notebook filled with tightly written notes.

Foolish. The first time Ilex saw her like that, he couldn’t hold back a sneer.

Struggling so desperately without seeing what lay ahead—how pathetic.

However, when it happened repeatedly, he found himself oddly irritated.

Enough already. Studying instead of eating won’t make anyone pity you.

And after enough time passed for a whole season to change, his irritation boiled into uncontrollable anger.

Why? Even he couldn’t understand the fury that consumed him.

He had always disliked stupid people. But in those cases, he simply ignored them with contempt—he had never felt such intense frustration before.

Even as he questioned it, he couldn’t suppress the rage surging through him as he lay on his bed, picturing the woman studying late into the night.

He wanted to yell.

No matter how hard you study, your future won’t change. You’ll just be sold off. To your father, you’re nothing more than stolen goods waiting to be pawned.

So, there’s no point in working so hard.

It was only when he reached that last thought that Ilex realized the true reason for his anger.

She was working too hard—so fiercely that it was unsettling.

This frustration, this irritation, was actually well-meaning. It was kindness, an attempt to let her know she didn’t have to struggle for something meaningless.

Yes, that was it.

Feeling as if he had found the answer, Ilex leaped out of bed. Without properly dressing himself, he rushed out toward the woman’s dormitory.

He would scold her. He would yell at her. He would tear up her books in front of her and tell her to stop.

He would force her to cry and make her give up.

But as he moved quickly, determined to do just that, Ilex suddenly became aware of something lurking within him.

A faint yet undeniable malice.

It was an ugly desire to see her give up, to see her live as he did, resigned to her fate.

A vile wish to watch her relinquish everything and wait lifelessly for the future to come.

It wasn’t kindness—it was unmistakable malice.

A repulsive kind of malice, the sort he had believed he would never feel.

Even as he recognized it, Ilex ignored it and continued running toward the building where she would be.

It was only when he arrived nearby that he realized he had come here without thinking.

It was already midnight. She would surely be asleep.

No, even if she wasn’t, there was no way he, a stranger to her, could call her out.

‘…Idiot.’

Acknowledging the sheer impulsiveness of his actions, Ilex still couldn’t bring himself to turn back and hesitated in place.

And then, as if by magic, she appeared before his eyes.

The academy’s women’s dormitory garden was filled with small, round cypress trees, interspersed with clusters of modest flowers.

At the foot of the stone stairs, where crepe myrtle trees in full bloom cast pink shadows, Tilia was sitting.

A summer night. Under the dim glow of the streetlamp, framed by the twilight.

Like a doll abandoned after a child had played with it and lost interest, Tilia sat motionless on the steps.

The moment he saw her, his legs froze, as if roots had grown from his feet.

Not too far, not too close. From this distance, he couldn’t help but notice.

She was crying, shedding tears as large as her eyes.

In the dim light, the tears trailing down her cheeks shimmered like fireflies drifting alone in the darkness.

It felt as though those tears were forming a lake beneath his feet, as if he would drown in a flood of sorrow.

While Ilex stood there, lost and at a loss, his fingers twitching like a fool, Tilia quickly wiped away her tears.

Lifting her hand, she wiped her cheeks vigorously and rubbed the moisture off on her skirt. Then, she pulled something from her pocket.

Only when she peeled off the wrapper and popped a piece into her mouth did Ilex realize what it was.

Chocolate.

Swallowing a strange, small gasp, he saw her pull something else from her other pocket.

He already knew what it was.

A study notebook. A small booklet that Tilia Ambrose always carried with her, glancing through it whenever she had a spare moment.

He thought she had shed all her tears, yet as she continued reading her memorization notes, more would fall intermittently. Still, she must have worried that her tears would stain the notebook, as she quickly wiped them away.

The cool night breeze blew gently. Her secret studies stretched on for a long time.

Like a tree that didn’t know how to leave, Ilex remained rooted in place, silently watching her.

The scent of flowers filled the air. Until today, he had never once thought that the streetlamp’s glow was beautiful, but now it shone like a spotlight on a stage, illuminating a woman who was all white, black, and red.

The image of her, chewing on chocolate and reciting something with determination, was etched into his mind, as if it would carry over into his next life.

He thought he could watch her forever. He thought that even if he were frozen in this moment, he wouldn’t blame anyone.

He hadn’t even noticed the passage of time.

Before he knew it, the chocolate she had been rationing piece by piece was gone, and she had flipped through the last page of her memorization notes.

Confirming this, Tilia stood up without hesitation. Her once tear-streaked white cheeks were now dry, brushed clean by the wind.

She dusted off her skirt and, without glancing back, walked briskly into the dormitory.

Yet even after she disappeared, Ilex, who had remained motionless as if he were merely an object placed there, lingered in the same spot for a long time.

Only after what felt like an eternity did he finally come to his senses, forcing his stiff legs to move as he turned around.

His gait was clumsy, like that of a starving vagabond. His heart panted as though he were a stray dog wandering the streets at noon without a single drop of water.

I see now.

In the darkness of the fading night, beneath the dimming streetlamps, Ilex staggered like a deserter fleeing battle, unable to deny it any longer.

I was jealous of Tilia Ambrose.

That determination to change her future. That vitality, struggling to survive against all odds. That brilliant hope, something I did not possess…

It was unbearable. I envied her beyond words.

He heard the sound of a white flag rising from somewhere within his heart.

It was the unmistakable declaration of defeat from a coward who had lost without even putting up a fight.

***

After secretly witnessing Tilia Ambrose studying while in tears, all the anger and irritation that had once flooded Ilex’s heart was swept away like a tidal wave.

In its place, something else settled—an ache, a dull throbbing pain.

That heavy, persistent ache grew each time he saw her, to the point that it made him avert his gaze.

But he could never look away for more than a minute.

Whenever Tilia appeared before him, Ilex would briefly lower his gaze, only to sneak glances at her from the corner of his eye, as if he couldn’t help himself.

Now, he could no longer claim that he had no particular interest.

His gray-blue eyes were drawn to her as if they were iron filings desperately clinging to a magnet.

Even when she wasn’t there, his gaze still searched for her. More accurately, he moved in ways that ensured she would appear.

He sought places where she was likely to be, places where he could see her. As if bewitched, his feet led him in her direction on their own.

And in doing so, he naturally came to learn about her.

It wasn’t through deliberate observation or secret scrutiny. He simply ended up knowing, as if it were inevitable.

First, aside from attending lectures, Tilia Ambrose spent most of her free time in the library.

During exam periods, she even stopped her occasional walks around the campus and lived solely in the library.

The dormitory, the lecture hall, and the library—these three locations were where she could most often be found. If he went to any of them, there was a high chance he would see her.

And Tilia usually appeared in these places with a friend named Judy Wells.

Judy, also her roommate, was a brown-haired woman with a rather indistinct impression. However, it was clear that she was very fond of Tilia.

Tilia, in turn, seemed to hold the youngest daughter of the Wells family in close regard. She would casually link arms with her—something she rarely did with others, whom she subtly avoided when they tried the same gesture.

Additionally, Tilia had a fondness for sweets like chocolate, pudding, and ice cream.

Whenever Judy Wells bought such treats, Tilia would hesitate with an apologetic look but always accepted them without refusal.

When eating something sweet, her expression would brighten, blooming like the crape myrtle flowers he had seen that night.

It was a lovely smile.

One that made his own lips curl up in response, whether he wanted them to or not.

A smile so sweet that it made him want to gather every sugary treat in the world and lay them before her feet.