Winter Bud - Chapter 68

Nanna swallowed her tears little by little. Even so, the tears quickly welled up. Even when she tried to swallow them down in portions, it wasn’t easy. Nanna lowered her gaze for a moment, then lifted it again. Nanna believed that the moment of parting came to everyone. It was just that for Nanna and the children, that moment had come earlier.

It was sad, but Nanna wanted the children to honor her as the Empress’s legitimate children and to follow her from the depths of their hearts. That was better for Slan and Stella. And for Alexis as well. As their memories of her faded, gratitude and respect toward Thea would take root in their place.

For that to happen, Nanna had to disappear from before the children’s eyes. Only then would they be able to follow Thea as if she were their birth mother. Thea didn’t like children, but she was thoughtful and warmhearted. She might be able to grow close to the children quickly. Above all, as Empress, and as a woman born and raised in a noble family, she would know what propriety was and what she needed to do.

She was not someone who could mistreat or torment children just because they weren’t born of her. More than anything, Nanna’s children were now her greatest assets. Since she couldn’t produce an heir herself, she had become the legitimate mother of children born by another woman, so she would treasure them as well. So….

“Stella and Alexis as well. And the child in my womb, too….”

Nanna quietly stroked her lower abdomen. If she left the palace after only recovering from childbirth, she wouldn’t even have time to grow attached to the child who would be born. She might not even be able to nurse the baby once. Even so, if that was what had to be done, Nanna thought it was something she had to accept.

“So you’re saying you won’t live seeing them for the rest of your life?”

The question, mixed with rough breathing, rang in her ears. Nanna looked at him vaguely, then lowered her gaze again. Curling her lips inward, she steadied her heart. When she sat there blankly without even nodding, the man sprang up from his seat.

“Fine. If that’s what you want, I’ll grant it as much as you like.”

The mutter, as if telling her to do whatever she pleased, lashed at her like a whip. Nanna shrank as much as she could and couldn’t lift her gaze. She only wished that the man, who seemed angry, would quickly leave her quarters. The Emperor glared at her as if he would devour her, then left her presence.

Nanna only relaxed her shoulders after the sound of his footsteps had gone very far away. She wanted to cry, but no tears came.

***

She didn’t know how much time had passed. The detached building she had newly come to stay in was beautiful, but she didn’t grow accustomed to it. Perhaps it was because she was innately uncomfortable with things that were beautiful and luxurious. Even so, as time passed, she adapted in her own way. Whether it was the Western Palace or the detached building, eating three meals a day was the same, and the small tasks she did to pass the time weren’t much different either.

It was a shame she couldn’t tend a vegetable patch, but she couldn’t grow crops in the detached building. So truly, there was nothing that went according to Nanna’s wishes. Feeling gloomy, Nanna drooped her shoulders after putting down her embroidery.

Still, being able to leave the palace was a good thing. At least that one thing would come true, so she should be grateful. Even if she would never see the children for the rest of her life… it was something Nanna alone had to endure. Alexis wasn’t even a year old yet, so he wouldn’t have any memory of her at all. Slan and Stella as well, once they grew into young adults as old as their father, wouldn’t remember their birth mother either.

That was why she was leaving the palace. Then what about Nanna? If, as the Empress Dowager said, she formed a new household…. If she then gave birth to one or two more children by a man who wasn’t the Emperor…. Would Slan and Stella, and Alexis, forget her?

“If you don’t see them before your eyes, your heart grows distant too. That’s how people are.”

She remembered something the Empress Dowager had once said. If your heart grew distant like that…. In the end, even longing would be forgotten. She said people were such simple creatures. She said the power of forgetting came from the passing years, and that humans had no choice but to be helplessly overtaken by it.

Nanna too would one day live leaning on that power. So for now, there was nothing she needed to fear. Even if she shed tears because she missed the children, that would be Nanna’s burden alone, so how fortunate was that?

Nanna turned her gaze and stared at the greenery spreading out beyond the beautiful window. The court physician said Nanna needed to eat a little better and increase her activity. If her mind wasn’t at ease, it wouldn’t be good for the fetus in her belly either, or so he said.

She’d heard those words until she was sick of them. From her first pregnancy until now. There hadn’t been a single day her mind was at ease. Nanna looked at the lush green leaves with gloomy eyes, then stood up.

Recently, her insomnia had gotten worse. She would suffer, unable to fall asleep until dawn, and then only barely fall asleep around the time daybreak came. Sometimes she would doze off in the afternoon, but the court physician said not being able to sleep at night was also not good for the health of the fetus and the mother.

“Please get sunlight often. Soaking up plenty of sunlight during the day will help ease your insomnia.”

Nanna rose as she repeated the court physician’s words, which sounded like even his voice had grown wrinkled. She picked up the bonnet she often used for walks. It was a plain bonnet with no decorative flowers or ribbons. She tied the chiffon strap under her chin into a ribbon and stood before the mirror. Even after returning to the detached building, Nanna wore simple dresses. Linen or cotton that didn’t shine, and dresses with almost no gathers at the sleeves or below the waistline, were her everyday clothes.

During her time as Empress Consort, she’d forced herself to dress lavishly, but as time passed, she stopped coming out of her quarters, and psychologically she began to wear outfits that were a little more comfortable. Because of that, she came to avoid expensive fabrics like satin, or muslin, or charmeuse, which noblewomen wore as summer evening dresses.

Nanna lightly brushed down the hem of her sky-blue cotton dress that looked like the color had faded a little, and left the mirror. Even though it was the season when summer was passing, midday was still hot with sunlight. Nanna wandered the detached building, moving from shade to shade.

Now and then, she ran into noblewomen enjoying the splendid garden of the detached building in groups of three or five, fluttering their fans, but Nanna didn’t show it. She hesitated a little over whether she should greet them, but the noblewomen avoided her gaze from far away as if she were a ghost, so Nanna didn’t dare greet them either.

Well, the wives of high officials, especially the women of meritorious families who had contributed to Falcomere’s founding, disliked her even more. When the Empress’s seat became vacant, the meritorious officials had tried to push their own daughters in, so they thought Nanna had stolen the Empress’s position from them, and many of the noblewomen who especially followed Thea also often looked at Nanna askance.

In the meantime, unlike Thea, who took care of the inner palace and influenced high society with intellect and refinement, Nanna couldn’t even host or attend external events as Empress, and the only thing she could truly be said to have accomplished was producing the Emperor’s heirs. So if it was only natural that she drew cold stares, then it was only natural.

She was walking while looking only at the ground, afraid to meet people’s eyes, when shoes made of glossy leather came into her view. Startled, Nanna lifted her gaze.

“This is….”

“Anyone can stroll the detached building.”

“….”

“Let’s talk for a bit.”

The dry voice was monotone. Nanna gently bit her lip. It was a reflex. A chill rose over her thin back and her stomach churned. Without answering, she stared at the man’s face. The Empress’s white face came to mind. That her delicate features took after her maternal family…. Thea had said that once.

If she’d resembled her father, she would’ve been even more beautiful. No, since her father was a great beauty, she thought Thea might have had dazzling features like Nanna’s as well.

But looking at her father like this, Thea seemed to resemble the duke a lot too. Her neatly arranged features all did. Even aside from the bright green eyes, so many parts seemed to prove that she and the Duke of Everhardt were father and daughter.

Nanna tightened her hands, neatly gathered together. Facing Thea’s father made her stomach feel queasy. With her gaze lowered, Nanna blinked. Her eyelashes, holding sunlight, seemed to tremble in tiny shakes.

Nanna swallowed dryly and soothed her tension.

“I have nothing to say to you, Duke.”

“It means I do.”

“Then say it here. Do it here.”

Nanna hunched her shoulders, wary of him.