Winter Bud - Chapter 46

People would probably say, how could she think of giving birth to a bastard… the Duke’s illegitimate child at that, but that child was Nanna’s. Because Nanna was the mother. She wanted to raise the child as her own. Not necessarily as the Duke’s son. To leave the ducal residence and live just the two of them…. Wouldn’t they be able to live like that too? The truth was, that was what she wanted.

“Um….”

“If you have nothing to say, then get on with what you have to do.”

The Duke lit his cigar.

Nanna looked at him with a face that seemed on the verge of tears. Without realizing it, she had brought both hands together over her belly, and as she rapidly blinked eyes that were starting to grow wet, the Duke’s face slowly began to harden. He seemed to have noticed the truth Nanna couldn’t say. The man’s reticent lips slowly parted.

“Have you seen a physician?”

It was a flat question. He didn’t easily lose his composure. Nanna quickly shook her head. She hadn’t seen one, but even without seeing one, her body had changed…. That change pointed to a single conclusion, so it felt like there was no real need to go. She had to say something like that, but nothing came out, as if a thorn were stuck in her throat.

“Do you want to have the child?” asked the Duke asked bluntly.

“…Well.”

Nanna searched his expression. He didn’t look like he would allow it, whatever it was Nanna wanted…. It even felt like he already knew what she was thinking.

Even so… she wanted to say she would raise the child regardless. That she would leave the ducal residence and never think of coming back. That whether it was a daughter or a son, she wanted to raise the child as only hers. That was what she had tried to say. Maybe then he would be persuaded, at least a little.

She already knew he didn’t want a child. Just as he didn’t want any woman other than Thea’s mother as his wife. He had said he had no need for any child other than Thea. Especially a bastard…. It wouldn’t even be the child of a properly remarried wife. A child conceived by sleeping with a mere maid wasn’t part of his plans. There was no way he would allow such disgrace.

“Th, then I’ll leave the ducal residence…. I’ll leave and I won’t come back.”

“Who said I was letting you leave?”

“That….”

Nanna lowered her gaze. She had said she would disappear from here before she said she wanted to have the child. She thought that would move the Duke’s heart, even a little. If she said she intended never to appear before his eyes again, surely he would give permission. But the Duke’s voice was colder than she’d expected.

“…Your Grace.”

Tears ran down her cheeks. The Duke only looked at her indifferently. Nanna sobbed weakly. She couldn’t even understand why she was crying. Was it because she was afraid of the Duke’s stern face? Was it that suffocating silence that made her cry?

“I’ll arrange for a physician who’s skilled in abortion procedures.”

“Your Grace, I…”

Nanna fell to her knees. The moment she heard the word “abortion,” her legs gave out and she couldn’t stay standing. She hated the thought of getting rid of the baby.

“If, if you permit it, I’ll never appear before you again. So….”

Nanna realized what wish she had been holding in her heart for such a long time. In truth, it was the same feeling that had made her envy and resent Thea. What Nanna wanted was a family. She needed a family that would cherish, care for, and love one another.

In the past, with that longing, she’d wanted to marry too, but she hadn’t been able to make up her mind easily, afraid she might end up with a man like her father. But a child was different. A child seemed like it would be all right. She was confident she could raise the child well, even if it was a son and not a daughter.

She was confident she could love the child. Truly, Nanna would pour everything she had into it. Nanna was a woman who went mad wanting to love her child. Besides, if the child resembled the Duke, that wouldn’t be bad either. He was a frightening and ruthless man, but he wasn’t foolish or of poor character.

Nanna felt like this was her chance. A chance the baby had given her. She could leave the Duke because of this. Nanna felt like she would go insane from wanting to leave the Duke and his daughter. Ever since he’d ordered her to open her legs.

Wouldn’t it be the same for the Duke too? The man desired Nanna yet found her filthy. He seemed to know even his own desire wasn’t pure. So….

“There’s nothing else I need.”

“….”

“I won’t ask you for anything.”

“Why?”

“…Sorry?”

Nanna, who’d been crying, lifted her head. She blankly raised her gaze and looked at him. He had a pipe between his lips. Each motion in the process of lighting it and drawing in the smoke was elegant and restrained. Nanna realized he didn’t care about the baby at all. She hunched her shoulders and slowly lowered her eyes.

“I asked why you don’t want anything.”

“I don’t understand what you mean….”

“I’m asking what you meant by what you said.”

Nanna parted her lips at the Duke’s repeated question. Why didn’t she want anything? Because she really didn’t want anything. She had nothing to hope for from him. She was about to say that if she only had the child, she’d be fine. Even if it was a shabby and pathetic wish, that truly was all of it.

The child had no right of succession anyway. A bastard, an illegitimate child, couldn’t inherit anything from its father. The Duke’s power and his enormous wealth would be passed down to Thea’s child. That was right. That was proper, so Nanna didn’t intend to claim anything.

She didn’t even ask for a portion of the property or something to live on because she truly had no lingering attachment. In truth, she didn’t have the face to see Thea either. She didn’t want to ruin their relationship like this. So she wanted to run away before Thea found out. She wanted to disappear from her life with nothing more than the explanation that she was going to the countryside to recuperate.

‘…Your Grace.’

‘Get rid of it.’

The short voice was cold. Nanna looked at him as if collapsing. It felt like the ground beneath her feet fell away. Nanna, who’d dreamed of holding a round teddy bear-like baby and smiling brightly, bit her trembling lips. Tears poured down. She hadn’t done anything wrong, yet she lowered her gaze like someone guilty.

She staggered as she slowly stood. She turned around, but a solemn command stopped her.

“You still have to fulfill your duty.”

Nanna looked back with a tear-soaked face. The Duke’s face wasn’t the face he wore when overcome with lust. Well, he always had that expression. Right up until the moment before he finished, he would mechanically drive his length into her hole. A man who looked like he’d been shaped by long years of asceticism. In truth, it wasn’t entirely wrong.

Nanna wet her lips and stared at him foolishly.

“Take it off.”

She didn’t want to do it today. She had never felt so miserable. She hated lying on the bed, crying and gasping. It had happened a few times, and each time the Duke had gotten angry. He didn’t slap her like her father or grab her hair, but he was frightening enough. Nanna was afraid she would do something shameful again.

However, the Duke wasn’t someone she could refuse. Swallowing her sobs, Nanna slowly began to undress. Her dress wasn’t made of luxurious tabata silk, velvet, or sarasa cotton. She did own one silk dress, but most of her clothes were plain linen. There were delicate wildflower patterns embroidered on the sleeves and hem, but those were her own handiwork.

Nanna, now naked, slowly sat at the edge of the bed. The Duke stared at her for a long time. Like a liquor said to drive a person mad with a single sip, his bright yet shadowed green eyes examined her with precision. Nanna lowered her damp face.

“Get into position.”

At the Duke’s command, Nanna lay down. She tried to bury her face in the pillow, but he ordered her to lie properly again. Nanna was slightly flustered but obeyed. Her heart pounded wildly. Her pulse throbbed so much she wondered if her heart had turned into a frog.

At last, the Duke set his pipe on the console and came to her side. His bare, slightly cool hand wiped beneath her eyes. His expression was somewhat twisted.

“I can’t understand you.”

His low voice rang against her ear. Nanna tried not to look at him. She felt like if their eyes met, she’d start crying even harder. Maybe recognizing that, the Duke grabbed her chin. Startled, Nanna looked at him.

A handsome face came into view. His features were sharp and well-defined. His looks were too remarkable, too striking for someone who was the father of a maiden already of age. How could a man with such a face be the father of a girl so similar to Nanna?

Other people didn’t seem to think much differently than Nanna did.