Winter Bud - Chapter 45

“Did that upset you?”

“A little.”

“I’m just saying. You might be sick, so you should see a physician.”

“I’ll handle it myself.”

“Or maybe you really are pregnant.”

Lyla muttered as she yawned widely. It seemed Lyla knew that Nanna attended the Duke at night. How could she not, when Nanna often left around midnight? Lyla was a light sleeper. She might not show it, but she probably assumed Nanna had a lover. Or perhaps… she knew everything.

Nanna bit her plump lower lip and glared at her before turning away. It was a thought she didn’t even want to entertain. A baby…. To think that she might be pregnant. But what if it was really true?

“Nanna, what are you thinking about?”

Merisa asked, seeing Nanna staring blankly into space. Nanna snapped out of her thoughts and quickly looked up. She tried to say it was nothing but ended up dropping the cutlery she was holding. They were silver, quite expensive pieces.

“Oh my, you’re really out of it these days!”

Merisa exclaimed. Flustered, Nanna bowed her head. As she bent to pick up the cutlery, a wave of dizziness hit her. The word “pregnant” floated clearly in her mind, so vivid that she couldn’t erase it….

“You should go rest. Take a break.”

With a stiff face, Merisa sent her out of the kitchen. Mumbling an apology, Nanna hurried away. Her heart was pounding. She remembered Lyla telling her to go see a doctor. What should she do? If she really, truly was pregnant….

“No, maybe not. Maybe I’m just tired.”

She took her contraceptive pills every day. Whether she served the Duke or not, she never skipped a dose. The person who gave her the pills was none other than the Duke himself. He didn’t want a child either. With a gloomy expression, Nanna pressed her lips together and returned to her room.

Sitting at the edge of her bed, she bit at the rough edge of her fingernail. Her heart felt like it was wearing down from anxiety and fear. No matter how she thought about it, she realized she had to tell the Duke. Not because the child was his, but because if she really was pregnant, he was the only one she could ask for help.

“He’ll probably tell me to get rid of it, right?”

Yes, he would. The Duke wasn’t the kind of man who could accept something like a bastard child. With his dignity and his flawless reputation, an illegitimate child? And with a mere maid, at that… a young girl half his daughter’s age. He’d probably look at her like she was lower than livestock.

And what about Thea? The woman who’d saved her life, who’d said they’d be like sisters, now pregnant with her father’s bastard child. It would be unthinkable. Even Nanna herself wouldn’t forgive it if she were in Thea’s place. But still….

Nanna lowered her gaze. Finally made it back in her quarters, she sat on the edge of her bed. She was tired, even though she hadn’t done much that day. In truth, her workload was light compared to the other maids. While they toiled away doing hard labor, Nanna, dressed not in a maid’s uniform but in bright dresses, spent her days brushing her lady’s hair and chatting with her.

Sometimes she ran errands between the kitchen and the storage room, but since she didn’t do the same kind of work as them, her hands were smooth and unblemished unlike those of the other maids. And yet she was completely worn out from exhaustion. Feeling a faint sense of self-contempt, Nanna collapsed to her side. The old bedding creaked beneath her. She drew a slow breath in and out and blinked.

She placed a hand over her lower belly. There was nothing. Or at least, it seemed like there was nothing.

“I hope it stays empty….”

Nanna desperately wished that this terrifying thought was nothing more than a fear, just an illusion. But if it wasn’t, what could she do? She didn’t know. Closing her eyes, she drifted into sleep without even realizing it.

The attendant didn’t shake her awake. He seemed afraid to touch her. Instead, he clapped his hands once near Nanna’s ear. Startled, she stirred, and the man cleared his throat with a stiff “ahem.”

Nanna looked at him with bleary, unfocused eyes. She couldn’t tell if it was midnight or dawn. The dim light filled the small room as the attendant carefully held up a small lamp. Nanna glanced around and noticed the empty bed across from her. Lyla must’ve gone to see her lover.

“Fix your appearance. You must look presentable before the Duke.”

“What? Oh. Yes.”

Nanna gave a fleeting glance at the attendant’s stern face and nodded. Then, staggering to her feet, she picked up a mirror. As she brushed through her tangled hair, her gaunt face reflected back at her. For some reason, her face looked different tonight. Maybe a little swollen, or thinner. Perhaps it was just the dark circles under her eyes.

She wasn’t beautiful. Maybe he’d send her away. She didn’t want to be in the Duke’s arms. With a gloomy gaze, Nanna set the mirror back into the drawer and stood.

“I’m ready.”

“Follow me.”

The attendant ordered in a detached tone. Nanna followed him without a word. The long gallery she walked down every night felt dreamlike tonight. Even though the carpet beneath her feet was soft, it felt like walking through a cave scattered with dust. Or perhaps, not a cave, but the throat of a beast….

“Idiot,” she muttered under her breath, biting her lip.

The attendant stopped walking. Nanna raised her head to see him knocking on the tightly closed door. Unlike Thea’s chamber, embossed with golden irises and fine embroidery, the Duke’s bedroom carried an air of grandeur and weight.

Suddenly, her chest tightened, her breath coming unevenly. A faint dizziness swept over her. Then came the Duke’s deep, heavy voice from inside. The attendant opened the door and gestured for her to enter. Swallowing hard, Nanna stepped inside quickly.

The Duke said nothing. Of course, he was never a talkative man. He rarely spoke, neither what he wanted to say nor what needed to be said. All he seemed to want was what lay between her thighs. To grip her bare breasts and pour out his desire.

In the past, that had made her sad. But now, it brought her comfort. It was easier when no feelings passed between them, when the only thing exchanged was lust. In that sense, he was a good master.

Nanna no longer felt sorrow or resentment. And yet….

“Do you have something to say?”

It was the Duke who spoke first. Nanna flinched, then lifted her eyes to him. Slowly, she raised her head and looked at the man before her. The Duke was like a sharp blade. He carried a natural aura of power and authority, as if born with it. One wrong move, and it felt like she’d be cut—bleed, even. That’s why she always feared him.

But as Thea’s father, smiling gently in his daughter’s presence, he was someone she had secretly wanted for herself, and envied Thea for having. When he was with Thea, he seemed like a completely different man. Sometimes, it felt like another person entirely had taken his place. The same went for Thea’s fiancé.

Nanna stared at him vacantly, then shook her head. Then she stopped moving her hands froze.

When she’d stood before the tightly shut door earlier, she had told herself she wouldn’t speak. That even if she suspected she was pregnant… even if she really was, she’d handle it on her own. There was nothing to gain by letting the Duke know. And yet….

She wanted to speak. Because….

“Speak.”

“It’s just that….”

Nanna felt her eyelids grow heavy. Her dry tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth as she silently moved her lips. She thought of a baby. Nanna liked babies. Babies round and soft like plush dolls…. She never found them troublesome or annoying. Maybe it was because she’d cared for her younger siblings when she was little.

Her mother was pregnant all the time. Nanna never understood how she kept having children with her crippled husband, but she gave birth endlessly. Raising them was Nanna’s job.

Nanna always carried her youngest siblings on her back as she busied herself cleaning. She helped her mother tidy the kitchen and even went out to peddle produce grown in their small garden. It was hard, but she didn’t hate it. On the contrary, she loved watching her little siblings grow. She always smiled when their tiny fern-like hands reached up to wipe her face.

Maybe that was why Nanna wanted a family. If she couldn’t have a father or a husband, having a child of her own didn’t seem so bad.