Winter Bud - Chapter 44

Why do you expect the same thing…. Nanna pondered the meaning of those words. Then her cheeks flushed red. It felt as if her hidden feelings had been exposed. It was as if he had seen right through what she’d secretly desired from him…. Tears rolled down her cheeks.

“I….”

“Don’t insult me.”

“I, I never meant to….”

Nanna stammered. As she shook her head, he raised a hand and held it still. Frightened, Nanna bit down on her lip. The Duke parted his beautiful lips.

“You wanted to bear my child.”

“Uh… hhk….”

“I should’ve let you then….”

Her mind went black. Nanna gazed at him faintly, her vision blurring, and before she could realize it, she lost consciousness.

***

Nanna’s first child hadn’t been Orestes’s. That child was conceived on one of the nights she spent with the Duke. It hadn’t been out of love. It was literally conceived while she was serving her master at night, and even Nanna hadn’t been pleased by its existence.

She hadn’t felt the desire to become a mother. Yet, Nanna had always liked babies. Not just her own, but babies in general. She found them lovely… the newborns with their red faces breathing softly, the infants crawling on the floor and nursing at their mothers’ breasts. Watching the round, toddling children always brought a smile to her face.

Thea seemed to be the opposite. She admitted honestly that although she found babies pretty, she didn’t know how to deal with ones who couldn’t understand words. She said that even recently, when she’d met a relative’s child, she hadn’t known what to do and had felt awkward.

Nanna remembered that day. When Thea had clumsily approached the baby to greet it, the child, held in its mother’s arms, burst into tears. Thea, flustered, stepped back. The mother, equally embarrassed, said the baby must’ve been fussy from lack of sleep and adjusted her hold.

“They don’t understand what you say, and they just start crying for no reason. Honestly, I don’t find them that cute. I think baby animals are much cuter.”

Thea had pouted her lips. Nanna had smiled faintly. That child had liked Nanna very much. The baby who’d supposedly been sensitive from drowsiness often reached for Nanna’s arms. Whenever the little one reached out to her, Nanna would always pick the child up.

They were truly adorable and lovely. Round, warm, soft…. He had been a boy, but there was a surprising difference from holding a girl. Girls were softer and squishier, but boys had their own sturdy charm.

“Nanna, you really seem to like babies.”

“Huh?”

“You adored Countess Apellime’s baby too, didn’t you?’

“Ah….”

“Dominique, was it? That boy really liked you. He liked being in your arms more than his own mother’s.”

Thea had murmured as she sat before her dressing table, recalling that moment. Nanna, unsure of what to say, lowered her gaze and brushed her fingers along the floor. The Countess of Apellime’s son had blatantly rejected Thea’s approach. Thea had pouted and said that babies must hate her. Nanna had told her it wasn’t that. They were probably just uncomfortable with the way she held them, or maybe her unblinking gaze had scared them.

All babies were adorable. No matter whose child they were. Whether born to nobles or farmers, anything so small, young, round, and warm was irresistibly cute and lovable.

“Nanna, I think you’d make a wonderful mother.”

“Do you think so?”

“You love babies, and babies love you. You’d definitely be a good mother.”

Thea smiled. Nanna stared at her for a moment before looking away. She wasn’t sure if she could really be a good mother. Maybe she found babies cute only because she saw them occasionally. She didn’t have to take care of them all day; she only enjoyed their adorable moments.

But becoming a mother was something else entirely. It required responsibility and patience. Nanna wondered if she possessed such strength.

“I hope you meet someone good soon, Nanna. Don’t you think so?”

“I….”

Nanna’s lips trembled at Thea’s words. Someone good. Someone good…. Nanna’s eyes darkened. Every night, she slept with Thea’s father. It had been quite some time since she had been called to serve him under the title of “night attendant.” Now that the Duke was away, she didn’t have to go to his chamber at midnight, but if he called, she still had to go and warm his bed.

Nanna was afraid to face Thea. She had called her a friend… her only friend. She had said she really liked her and wanted to live as sisters for the rest of their lives. She had spoken those words with such sincerity. Yet Nanna had shared a bed with Thea’s father. If Thea ever found out, how would she take it? She would surely be disgusted. She would never forgive Nanna for such betrayal.

“Is my father your type, by any chance?”

“Pardon?”

Nanna’s eyes widened like a startled rabbit, as if she’d been doused in cold water. Thea looked straight at her and gave a faint smirk. Nanna went pale, wondering if she somehow knew. But Thea abruptly turned her head and stood up. She moved to resume her unfinished embroidery. Nanna just stood there, watching her blankly.

Her hand, which picked up the needle, wasn’t steady. Thea, who was full of enthusiasm for horseback riding and hunting—the kinds of activities men enjoyed—was always indifferent toward feminine pursuits like embroidery, flower arranging, or dancing.

“Ugh, I’m bored. Nanna, can you finish this for me?”

It was hardly half done, but Nanna didn’t refuse. It wasn’t exactly a request. She accepted the round embroidery frame and nodded. Thea stood, saying she would take a walk. When Nanna tried to follow, Thea told her it wasn’t necessary.

Her tone was slightly cool, and Nanna shrank back.

“I’ll bring your hat and parasol.”

“Sure.”

Nanna spoke to her as Thea prepared to go out, leaving the embroidery behind. Thea didn’t look at her and replied flatly.

***

The Duke returned two days later. He had stopped by the southern estate, where truffles were cultivated, to meet with the governor and inspect the fertile lands, and on his way back, he had visited the port. It was late in the evening when he returned to the ducal residence.

Nanna greeted him alongside Thea. Though he looked a bit tired, the Duke’s knightly composure remained unbroken.

“Has everything been well?”

“What could’ve gone wrong?”

Thea smiled brightly as she joked in response to her father’s question. The Duke gently pulled his daughter into an embrace, then cast a brief glance at Nanna before turning away. Nanna lowered her head deeply to avoid his gaze. Father and daughter continued chatting softly as they ascended the stairs.

Nanna went to the kitchen. Thea had said she wouldn’t eat dinner until her father returned. Likewise, the Duke hadn’t eaten either. The head chef and kitchen maids were preparing the Duke’s favorite dishes: consommé, dry bread, and a young pork dish from Deav. Nanna busied herself setting the table.

Then one of the senior kitchen maids, Merisa, called out to her.

“Nanna, have you eaten anything?”

“No.”

“Goodness, you didn’t even have lunch. Don’t do that. Come here and have some stew. Marina brought in some fine lamb from the village.”

“…It’s fine.”

Nanna shook her head. Lately, she hadn’t had much of an appetite. That wasn’t all. Whenever she came into the kitchen, the smell of food stirred her stomach. It wasn’t to the point of throwing up, but it made her feel queasy, like she’d eaten something that didn’t sit right. She was often tired, and drowsiness would wash over her. She even thought sleeping through mealtime was better. The fatigue had become noticeably worse.

“You can’t skip meals like that when you haven’t even had lunch.”

Marina, who was helping the head chef chop vegetables, chimed in with Merisa’s words. Nanna wondered what she could say to get out of the situation. It wasn’t that she wasn’t hungry, but eating had become difficult. Her appetite had vanished. The maid who shared her room, Lyla, had also asked if she was sick. Her body heated up for no reason, her appetite was gone….

“You look just like my aunt when she was pregnant.”

“What?”

“My aunt got pregnant again not long ago. It’s her seventh now.”

Lyla muttered as she lay down on the bed. Nanna stared at her friend without even managing to frown at that unpleasant remark. Lyla stretched, saying she was tired, then glanced back at Nanna’s steady gaze and asked, ‘What?’ Her tone was so indifferent that Nanna couldn’t bring herself to question or scold her for saying such a thing.