Winter Bud - Chapter 34

“If… if….”

Swallowing dryly, she thought of Duke Everhardt. If she spoke of that matter—if she opened her mouth about him—the Emperor would surely abandon her. And yet, there was no reason she couldn’t say it.

Staring at the bed, Nanna turned and looked at him. At some point, he had come so close that it wouldn’t have been strange if their lips had touched. Nanna gasped.

“Speak.”

“Th-the….”

Should she tell him she didn’t know whose child Alexis was? Nanna mulled over something she’d never deeply thought about. The truth was, who Alexis’s father was didn’t matter. Not that she’d never thought about it seriously—she had. About who the child’s father might be. She’d thought maybe she’d learn the truth when the boy grew older.

“D-Duke Everhardt. No, uh, Alexis….”

“What about him?”

“His… his father….”

“It’s me.”

The Emperor spoke bluntly, so decisively that it didn’t even seem like him. Nanna’s lashes trembled finely as she bit her lip. Duke Everhardt had often threatened her over Alexis. He insisted it wasn’t a threat, but to Nanna, in her position, just mentioning the boy’s real father felt like having her life held at knifepoint. So how could it not be a threat?

“Your Majesty.”

“Do you think it isn’t?”

“That’s not what I meant….”

Nanna mulled over the fact that the Emperor likely already knew. After that incident, she hadn’t been able to confess the truth. Yet she thought he must have known. Perhaps Duke Everhardt had spoken first, boasting that he had, in a moment of impulse, violated the Empress Consort who had once been his own chambermaid. Such a thing wouldn’t have been enough to anger the Emperor. Heat gathered beneath her eyes until her nose tingled. She trembled as though seized by chills, shuddering when a hand gripped her jaw.

“I don’t know why you’re bringing this up now.”

Her breath caught, as though someone had seized her throat. Nanna shook her head as her vision blurred. She wanted to tell him she had no hidden motive, but she knew she couldn’t fool him.

She was born unable to lie. If she did, it always showed on her face. It wasn’t because she was honest by nature but because she had never been good at dealing with others. All the more so when the other person was the Emperor. Nanna’s lips quivered until she finally whispered in a faint, trembling voice.

“I’m… I’m a filthy woman.”

“….”

“I’m not someone worthy of Your Majesty.”

Her stammering voice was pitifully small. Nanna lifted her head and looked into the man’s sharp face. She was never the kind of woman a man of such noble status would step inside for. Even now, she wanted to tell him that it would be right for him to take a proper concubine instead. She could live her whole life shut away in a monastery, spending her days as a nun instead of in the Western palace.

“D-Duke Everhardt, that night, he… he….”

“Enough.”

“Your Majesty….”

Nanna couldn’t fight the emotion rising within her and burst into tears. Suddenly, a large hand gripped her and pulled her toward the bed. His strength wasn’t rough, but Nanna still staggered. She clenched her teeth, trying to hold back her gasps. In any case, the Emperor wouldn’t leave the bedchamber tonight. Even if her words made him waver, he was already too overcome with desire.

Nanna turned, trying to move away. She buried her face in the pillow, trying to suppress her trembling. The Emperor didn’t like seeing her face when he thrust inside her. Nanna didn’t either, so it was better this way.

It truly felt like nothing more than giving him what lay between her legs. Thinking back, even Duke Everhardt had never seemed eager when he’d taken her. Perhaps that was because he had been faithful to his wife.

So it must have been for that reason that he had adamantly refused the remarriage his retainers had so eagerly pushed for. Nanna often regretted the days she’d spent wondering what she meant to him. Looking back now, she realized she had been nothing more than a brief outlet for his lust.

But Nanna had placed far too much meaning on him.

“Ah!”

She bit down on her lip and gripped the pillowcase as a large hand seized her hair. Nanna trembled in shock. Her vision spun, and suddenly, the Emperor’s face filled her sight.

“Your Majesty….”

His face was dark and sharp. Nanna could see shadows she couldn’t decipher layered deep within his amber eyes. Holding her breath, she met his gaze. Perhaps it was more accurate to say their eyes became tangled, thick and murky.

The hand that had grabbed her hair pulled off her tunic dress. Her heart pounded like a drum. It felt like the first time he’d ever undressed her himself. Slowly, Nanna began removing her dress. It took only moments before she stood completely bare.

With her lips tightly pressed together, she hunched her shoulders. It was unbearable to look up at him while naked. As she lowered her gaze, he lifted her chin with a detached expression.

“Did you wear that same face when you were in Sermione’s arms?”

Nanna froze pale. Sermione was Duke Everhardt’s name. She pictured the man’s face, one that seemed barely to have aged, yet still bore the quiet composure that reminded everyone he was old enough to have a daughter of marrying age. And what had she dwelled on about such a man?

“You don’t have to spell out every detail. I already know.”

“I….”

“The one who told me you were a woman worth using was none other than him.”

He gave a slight laugh. It was a twisted sneer. Nanna stared blankly at that cruel face before lowering her gaze. A father-in-law and son-in-law defiling the same woman side by side, was it laughable or absurd? Nanna shed a few tears. Her insides burned black, until it felt as though they were rotting away.

Why must she always stand before them in such a state? Why did everything that shone so brightly in Thea’s hands turn jagged and broken in hers? Everything she had envied Thea for had only left scars upon her.

A kind and affectionate father. A loving, beautiful fiancé…. Nanna had never possessed any of those things, nor could she ever. Not a tender father, not a caring, devoted lover. She had never once received genuine love.

Even her parents had abandoned her easily. To pay off their gambling debts, they had sold their fifteen-year-old daughter, not to a household, but to a brothel. That was why she’d envied Thea. She had wished Thea’s father were her own.

Of all the things about Thea that had dazzled, that was the one she envied most. So when Sermione had summoned her to his chambers, her heart had felt as though it were tearing apart….

But Sermione would never know. He could never know how she had seen him. Not until the day he was buried in the ground.

‘Maybe that’s for the best.’

Nanna trembled faintly. The tears clinging to her lashes dampened the skin beneath her eyes.

“What are you thinking about?”

“N-nothing at all….”

“I can’t tell what’s inside that tiny head of yours.”

Did he even need to know? What reason did he have to be curious about her? Nanna wanted to look up and ask him that, but she couldn’t. Then, suddenly, their eyes met again. The Emperor hadn’t removed his clothes. He seemed ready to take her as he was. Nanna hesitated, then finally whispered a small request.

“I… I’d like to turn off the light.”

“Why?”

“Just… just because….”

If she couldn’t bury her face in the pillow, then at least she wanted the light extinguished. Even so, the moonlight would still outline his features, but at the very least, when they were pressed together like this, she wouldn’t have to see his expression in every passing moment. Nanna hated looking at him. Whether by day or by night—even in those moments when she had loved him so fiercely that her heart felt like it would burst—it had always been painful to face him.

After the days when even the faintest heartbeat had worn her down had long passed, it had only grown worse. Now, when nothing but scars remained and her heart hung in tatters, she wanted to bid him farewell forever.