Winter Bud - Chapter 33

“Stop fussing and eat.”

The Emperor lifted his gaze toward Nanna, who had been carefully removing the bones from the sea bream and placing a piece each on Slan and Stella’s plates. His tone was colder than usual, as if displeased. Nanna parted her lips, not knowing what to say.

It was always hard to eat in front of the Emperor. He was such a difficult, uncomfortable man. And….

“Do you really have to eat like a pig?”

The Emperor had never liked watching her eat. It was as if he found the act of her putting food in her mouth and chewing revolting. Or maybe it was because that one day, she really had eaten too much. But she had been pregnant with Slan then… and she had wanted to eat everything. Other women, when pregnant, were said to gag at the smell of even water.

But she was often hungry. Even if she threw it all up afterward, she wanted to put something in her mouth first. Usually meat. That day, she hadn’t been able to resist the turkey right in front of her.

“I’m… I’m sorry.”

She had hurriedly wiped the chili sauce from her mouth and bowed her head. The turkey leg in her hand suddenly felt shameful. Her heart plummeted to the floor, and under the Emperor’s gaze—his eyes that had called her disgusting for eating like a pig—her heart had pounded so hard it felt like she would die. Heat had risen to her eyes; the bridge of her nose stung, and her vision blurred.

She had told herself she mustn’t cry here. That there was nothing to cry about when the Emperor hadn’t even shown a flicker of emotion on his face. But no matter how she tried to hold it back, her tears had fallen. The Emperor had only glanced at her crying face before leaving his seat.

It had been the Empress Dowager who arranged that meal for her. After seeing her son remain indifferent to his pregnant wife, she had told him to take good care of her. Before that, Nanna had never once shared a meal with him. But then….

“Y-your Majesty.”

“Keep eating.”

“I-I’ll leave, so….”

Nanna had stammered, trying to stop him from leaving, but the Emperor never turned back. She had stared blankly at the empty seat he left behind and wiped her falling tears. After that day, whenever she ate with the Emperor, she never opened her mouth wide or showed herself chewing. Even when she ate, she took only tiny bites, moving her jaw minimally.

If she could, she only pretended to sip wine and tried not to look crude during the entire meal. She didn’t stay just to fill her stomach. And yet….

“I only wanted to help Slan and Stella eat properly.”

“They can eat fine on their own. What’s there to help?” the Emperor asked flatly.

Nanna pressed her lips together. Without replying, she nodded slightly and picked up her fork. She put a piece of white sea bream into her mouth. The dish was well-cooked and flavorful, but she couldn’t taste a thing, her nerves keeping her appetite away. Thankfully, she always lost her appetite whenever she dined with the Emperor. That allowed her to keep her composure.

“I can’t tell if you’re eating or not.”

It was halfway through the meal when the Emperor, sipping port wine as a palate cleanser, glanced at her plate and spoke. Nanna, who had been chewing only vegetables, looked up at him in surprise. She couldn’t understand why he was paying so much attention to her plate today.

“I-I’m eating just fine.”

“You call that eating….”

He muttered dryly. It sounded like mockery. Nanna, unsure of how to respond, simply lowered her head. Perhaps because of the Emperor’s curt tone, the siblings couldn’t eat properly either.

She didn’t even realize how the dinner ended as time passed. Slan and Stella said they wanted to look around the Western Palace. Nanna thought of where she could take them in this empty, desolate place with nowhere worth showing.

Even the prayer room and the library were barely worth showing, yet to the Crown Prince and First Princess, who were used to the splendor of the main palace, even those might seem shabby. Especially Stella was a child who would burst into tears, saying she felt sorry for the young calves living in the stable.

She was a sensitive child. Delicate and easily hurt. At a glance, she could seem arrogant, but in truth, she was just shy and socially awkward. Especially around other noble children her age, Stella rarely spoke at all.

She had left such a child behind in the main palace. She should’ve cherished this time with them, but perhaps because she was too conscious of the Emperor’s presence, she only wanted to send the siblings back quickly. Once they were gone, she wanted to find out why the Emperor had gone so far as to bring the children here.

But as always, it would be difficult to know what the Emperor truly thought. Whatever lay hidden behind his intentions… it would not be easy to uncover.

The siblings rather liked looking through the books in the library. Nanna didn’t know whether the sight of old volumes gathered by the monks truly fascinated them, but when she saw their small mouths open in awe as they craned their necks to look up, she felt relieved that there was at least something she could show them. Then, as she looked again, she thought perhaps the collection of books really was quite impressive.

It was around midnight when Stella, who had been running through the library, rubbed her eyes. Nanna reached out to lift her little daughter, who came running to cling to her, but the Emperor frowned, and she couldn’t do it.

“Are you sleepy, Stella?”

“Mmh, no. I want to play more with you, Mommy.”

“When morning comes….”

“Go back now, Stella.”

“But….”

“Take your brother’s hand.”

The Emperor gave a low command to Stella, who had been about to whine. His tone wasn’t that of a father soothing his child, yet Stella seemed used to it. The girl hesitated no longer. Nanna watched her daughter and son with a heavy heart.

Following their father’s command, Stella took her brother’s hand and began to walk stiffly. Nanna thought the Emperor might finally be preparing to leave the Western Palace, so she looked at him. But he only watched the siblings boarding the carriage and made no move himself. Nanna tensed again.

“Your Majesty….”

“Go inside.”

The Emperor cut her off. Nanna, her expression uneasy, looked at the sharp line of his profile before lowering her gaze. Her heart began to pound again, but she couldn’t show it.

‘Maybe he has some business in the Western Palace.’

She thought so while following behind him with her head bowed. But if she thought rationally, she already knew the answer. What business could the Emperor possibly have here? With a nervous look, Nanna glanced at him again, her lips trembling.

“Your Majesty….”

When they reached the bedchamber where she stayed, the Emperor turned to face her. Their eyes met. Nanna hurriedly lowered her head. The Emperor looked at her silently. Nanna’s expression wavered.

“Do you have something to say?”

“Well….”

Most likely, the Emperor had come to the Western Palace to spend the night with her. He had once said he needed many heirs for the sake of the Empress’s position. Slan might have been appointed Crown Prince, but he was still too young. And given the high infant mortality rate, the Emperor naturally needed more descendants. The Empress Dowager had also pointed that out before, saying that it was best to be fertile and bear many sons. But now, Nanna no longer wished to do so.

“You should take a concubine….”

“That’s you.”

“What I mean is….”

Her pulse raced. She had wanted to tell him to bring in someone new. But the Emperor had answered curtly, saying that was her. For a moment, her mind went completely blank.

Nanna looked at the Emperor, on the verge of tears. No matter how little pride she had, no matter how much she had humbled herself, she was once the Empress Consort. Nanna didn’t mind her current state, but what she truly thought was “good” wasn’t being discarded by him; it was simply being left alone. Yet the Emperor hadn’t abandoned her, only pushed her out of his sight.

He had set her aside to take her out only when needed. Because her womb was still of use.

“Let’s talk inside.”

“Your Majesty.”

Nanna shook her head. The Emperor’s brows furrowed. Frozen stiff, Nanna dropped her gaze again. He opened the door to the bedchamber. Nanna thought it was the first time she had ever seen him open a door himself as she stepped inside.

The parlor left behind for the two of them was astonishingly quiet and desolate. Nanna glanced at him, then at the bed. There was no need to be this tense. It wasn’t her first night with the Emperor, nor was it her first time here. And yet… why did she feel such a desperate urge to deny it?