Winter Bud - Chapter 32

It was the first time since they had parted like that. She should’ve been happy, but for some reason, she felt melancholy. Was it that she didn’t want to see the children? Why did such a thought cross her mind? She wanted to see them…. She wanted to meet them. Not long ago, she’d even seen Freya in a dream.

She touched her lower belly. She hadn’t been able to take the contraceptive pills. They were impossible to obtain in the Western Palace. Even if she tried, there was no maid left who could move on her behalf. She’d thought of asking Sister Marcella, but they weren’t close enough, and doing so might put the nun at risk. Because the child she wished to prevent would be the Emperor’s child. Nanna bit her lip hard.

Time passed. Nanna didn’t find her days alone in the Western Palace difficult. She had always been used to solitude. Unlike Thea, who was lively and sociable, Nanna was naturally introverted and shy. She preferred to be alone by choice.

Conversations with others, gauging their moods, and maintaining small talk had always been difficult for her. Even in the palace, she had been surrounded by people who all seemed to dislike her. Midway through speaking, she would often feel suffocated or dizzy.

At first, she’d thought it was the sunlight or her corset laced too tightly that made her faint. But one winter, when she had nearly collapsed after feeling dizzy while drinking tea at a noblewoman’s salon, she realized it wasn’t caused by anything external.

‘I did end up collapsing back then, didn’t I?’

Nanna recalled the past. Yes. She really had collapsed that time. When she’d opened her eyes, she’d been in bed. The Emperor had called her frail. He had said that being healthy was her only virtue, yet even that she couldn’t manage. Nanna’s heart had ached.

The Empress Dowager had scolded the Emperor, but he hadn’t taken back his words. Nanna’s heart had started to race again. She’d wondered if her vision would start spinning once more. She’d wished everyone would just leave the room. She only wanted to be alone.

‘Fortunately, that doesn’t happen anymore.’

Nanna thought that being confined to the Western Palace wasn’t such a bad thing. The Emperor still came to her, but perhaps that too would soon end. Once his relationship with Thea was repaired, he would be too busy showering her with affection. They had always been a loving couple; surely they’d soon return to how they used to be. Nanna decided to believe that. It was the only way to drive away the shadow that hovered in her mind. Two days passed.

The Emperor truly came to the Western Palace with the three children. She’d half-expected the visit to be canceled by noon, or that only the children would be sent, but he had actually brought even Alexis himself. Seeing how much her eldest son and daughter had grown, Nanna’s face lit up with joy.

“Slan! Stella!”

“Mother!”

The moment he saw her, Slan came running and threw his arms around her waist, burying his face against her stomach. Nanna hugged her son’s shoulders. Stella, who had clutched her skirt and run toward her in a flurry, pushed her brother aside and wrapped her little arms tightly around her mother’s waist.

“Mommy—”

Stella whimpered, rubbing her face against her mother’s belly. Both children clung to her as if wanting to trap her scent deep inside their lungs. Nanna swallowed down the emotion welling in her throat and gently stroked their round heads.

“…Have you been well?”

Her nose stung. The siblings didn’t lift their faces. At her question, Stella began to cry softly, and Slan gave a small, muffled, “Yes.” Nanna feared she might start crying too. She lifted her gaze and looked at the Emperor. He was holding Alexis in his arms.

Nanna was slightly startled. The Emperor was holding the baby himself…. It was strange. He had never shown affection toward Alexis. It probably had to do with the matter of Duke Everhardt, that is, because Alexis was said not to be his son. Or perhaps it was because Alexis resembled her. Nanna lowered her gaze. The Emperor looked at the siblings clinging to her waist and quietly furrowed his brow.

“Enough. Step away from your mother.”

His low command echoed through the chamber. The siblings immediately stepped back as if nothing had happened, folding their hands neatly together. Nanna’s heart ached again, feeling sorry for them. She almost told the Emperor to be kind to the children, but she pressed her lips shut. It was useless to say. She had said it before, and it had never made a difference.

He regarded the heirs he’d been forced to leave with a woman he didn’t love as a disgrace. When his contempt deepened, he sometimes looked at them as if they were filth. So words like “be gentle” could never reach him. Nanna led the siblings to the round dining table.

“Chef Perluni prepared a special meal for us today.”

Chef Perluni was the Emperor’s personal cook. The kitchen that prepared his meals employed more than two hundred servants, including chefs and assistants, and Perluni was the head chef among them, in charge of the imperial kitchen.

Nanna had no right to ask him for anything. Even when she was Empress Consort, she had never personally faced him or requested anything, so she only knew him by face. That meant today’s meal had been arranged by order of either the Empress Dowager or Thea. All Nanna had done was watch as the palace servants came to her quarters and set the table.

Then she thought it might be fine to make one or two of the dishes herself, ones the children would like. Nanna occasionally cooked for them herself. Not often, only sometimes.

The Emperor slowly approached the table, glancing at the carefully prepared dishes laid over a cream-colored tablecloth. Nanna followed with the siblings. She seated them across from the Emperor and reached out to take Alexis from his arms. The Emperor glanced at her indifferently before handing the baby over.

It had been a long time since Nanna had held her round little son. He had grown heavier and sturdier. The baby looked at her and smiled brightly. He wasn’t yet a year old, and she had worried he might’ve forgotten her. He had only just started crawling and learning to stand, so it wouldn’t have been strange if he had.

Sometimes that thought had brought her to tears. But now, seeing his eyes meet hers, she felt she had worried for nothing. Nanna smiled broadly at him, then turned to look at her other children.

Suddenly, Slan asked, “Did you make this, Mother?”

It was a cream stew with carrots and meat, roughly chopped. Slan must’ve recognized it at a glance, without even tasting it. Nanna nodded. She’d gotten some ingredients from Sister Marcella for today.

Meat had been hard to come by, so through Rotusi, she had managed to get a little venison from the palace butcher….

“How did you know?”

“By the shape of the carrots,” Slan said, giggling.

The Emperor, who was eating consommé with a silver spoon, looked at her. His gaze was sharp and faintly condescending. Nanna’s shoulders shrank instinctively. The Emperor’s dish was a clear consommé. It, too, had been carefully prepared by Chef Perluni with beef and celery, simmered over long hours.

“Why is my dish the only one that’s different?”

“Well… I wanted to make something myself for the children since it’s been a while.”

“And?”

“When I told Sister Marcella, she helped me prepare the ingredients….”

“But there’s none for me.”

“Ch-chef Perluni put great effort into today’s consommé.”

Nanna didn’t know what to say and began to mutter incoherently. Seeing their mother’s tense face, Slan and Stella froze. The Emperor tilted his head slightly, took the stew that had been served for Slan, and placed it in front of himself. Then he handed the consommé in front of him to Slan.

“…Your Majesty.”

“The consommé tastes good. Eat it.”

Slan opened his mouth slightly in surprise. Orestes frowned and began eating. Nanna glanced at him, flustered, but couldn’t say anything. She quietly handed her own portion of stew to her son. Slan hesitated for a moment before picking up his spoon.

The meal they’d gathered for was heavy and uncomfortable. To anyone else, it might’ve looked like a harmonious meal shared by a family of five for the first time in a while, but for Nanna, the slow passage of time felt nothing but painful and exhausting. Even if only the children had come, it probably would’ve been the same.

In this old, worn room, wearing her simple indoor dress, Nanna must have looked like a criminal to anyone’s eyes. But to have a meal with the Emperor himself…. What was he thinking, creating such an occasion? What did he expect from her, bringing the children all the way here?