Winter Bud - Chapter 24

He rose from his seat. Nanna, her expression gone blank, gazed at him vaguely. A cold tear dropped down. She didn’t want to hear anything. No, it would be right to say she was afraid to hear. The words he spoke were too cruel… as if thin slices of her flesh were being carved away bit by bit. For the first time, Nanna felt such a thing, and it felt like her chest was completely blocked.

“As if it weren’t your fault.”

“I….”

“So stop now.”

The neat murmur was sharp. Nanna didn’t know what it was she should stop, but she couldn’t bring herself to grab the man who brushed past her. Blankly… with a dazed face, she watched him, then dropped her gaze. And after that, how had it gone?

In the end, Freya was buried in the orchard. Just as the Emperor said, the place where she was buried was beautiful. The sunlight fell warmly, and wildflowers bloomed with each season. Freya lay small and round beneath the shade of an apple tree. At first, Nanna went once a day to the apple tree, but later she only went once a season with a bouquet of wildflowers Freya had loved. So then….

“Then why do you look at me like that?” asked the Emperor.

Nanna, who had been recalling the apple tree where Freya was buried, turned her gaze to him. Why do you look at me like that…. Nanna wondered what her own eyes looked like. The Emperor had often said he didn’t like her eyes. Even before the incident with Freya, he had said it. That he didn’t like them…. The way she looked at him, the way her eyes met his…. He said it disgusted him, made his skin crawl. Because of that, Nanna couldn’t raise her gaze.

She couldn’t look straight at him. If just meeting his eyes displeased him, what could she do? Even if it was a baseless reproach, what could she do? So Nanna always kept her head lowered. So if she wasn’t even looking at him, what was he talking about?

“…I don’t understand what you mean.”

“Don’t you still resent me for burying that child?”

“I don’t.”

“No, you still resent me.”

“I really don’t.”

Nanna lifted her head. The Emperor’s eyes crinkled slightly, as if her answer didn’t please him. Nanna bit her lip in frustration. That wasn’t it. Truly, it wasn’t. She didn’t resent him. Of course, how could a person have absolutely no lingering feelings? But she didn’t truly resent the Emperor.

If she had, she’d still be begging him to move Freya’s remains to La Ahlem, or trembling with anger. Though even that wouldn’t change anything. Still, Nanna tried to understand his words. She tried to agree with them. After all, he wasn’t wrong.

Freya’s death must have been a tragedy for him too. Perhaps not sorrow, but painful in its own way. What parent welcomes the death of a child? And it wasn’t even a grown prince who might threaten the throne, but a three-year-old daughter. Besides, he had no connection to Freya’s death.

It was only an accident. Freya drowned in the palace reservoir…. Because of that, the nanny and attendants were hanged, and every responsible official was interrogated and demoted. It wasn’t as if he had been negligent in handling it. So Nanna was fine. He had done what he could. Then why did he believe she still thought that way?

“I really don’t resent you, Your Majesty.”

“….”

“Yes, it’s true. I’m only human, so at the time, I did resent you. Even now, maybe a little bitterness lingers. But I don’t resent you now because of that.”

Nanna muttered quickly. Rolling her eyes this way and that, wondering how she could clear this grievance, but she couldn’t find a way. Her hands fidgeted, then she clutched tightly at the hem of her dress.

“…I just wish Your Majesty would let go of that misunderstanding.”

Nanna whispered as if sighing. The Emperor only gazed at her silently. Nanna felt a little stifled by his lack of reaction. Then, suddenly, the Emperor stood. She flinched, curling up tightly. His long, bare hand lifted her damp chin.

“I know exactly what you’re thinking…. Who would ever believe such a tired lie?”

“…Pardon?”

“Deceitful whore.”

The murky mutter scraped against her ears. Nanna lifted her shocked face to look at him. The Emperor’s gaze was heavy. As if scratching under a dog’s jaw, he slowly dragged his fingers along Nanna’s chin. Startled, she blinked. A lie…? Nanna hadn’t lied about anything. Yet the Emperor seemed to think she had.

Did he think she was scheming some plot? That she found life in the Western Palace distasteful and was secretly working to return?

“Your Majesty.”

It was like being doused in cold water. A chill seized her. Nanna stammered as she called to him.

“Never, never would I think of such things. Truly.”

“….”

“I, I like the Western Palace. I want to stay here always. Never have I harbored any other thought….”

“Every word out of your mouth is deceit.”

He muttered low. The voice resembled a growl, like spitting curses. Nanna looked at him in confusion. What did he mean was deceit? Did he think she was lying? Calling her nothing but a bundle of deceit? But Nanna was sincere. She had never held any corrupt desire.

“You’re mistaken, Your Majesty. I’ve never held such a corrupt heart.”

Nanna lowered her gaze. It felt like blood was dripping down from a slashed artery. In despair, she wept. The corners of her mouth drooped, then her expression hardened. The Emperor rose from his seat. Startled, Nanna lowered her head. Out of instinctive fear, her body froze. Fear of the Emperor was both a habit and a compulsion.

She held her breath and stared at him dimly.

“Your Majesty.”

“I know the heart you’ve held. I’ve known it for a long time.”

“N-no, that’s not true.”

“You wanted me, didn’t you?”

“That’s….”

Nanna’s eyes widened. Was that what he wanted to speak of? Shamefully…. Did he want to drag up the time when she had secretly admired him? But things were different now. Circumstances had changed, and everything was different. Why now…? Nanna shook her head. Once it had been true, but not anymore.

And never had she acted on it with corrupt intent. In her panic, her lips fluttered while her heart pounded like thunder.

“But not now, not anymore. Even if once I did…. Ah!”

Her hair was seized. Her breath caught, choking her. The sudden violence, though familiar, felt like a cork rammed down her throat. Trembling, Nanna looked up at him. The Emperor, without a trace of distortion on his face, seemed as if he had been swallowed by a raging storm. Pale, sharp—he sometimes seemed like a beast baring its teeth in the dark.

Nanna’s tears fell as her scalp throbbed, her lips mouthing desperately.

“Never, never did I scheme anything because of that. Never would I dare with Your Majesty and the young lady… sob….”

She had liked him. Secretly admired him. Just seeing his shadow made her heart race helplessly. It beat so fiercely it didn’t even feel like her own. Even though she knew she was nothing to him…. No, perhaps because she knew, it struck her harder.

For the Emperor belonged solely to Thea. He had been her fiancé, and in time became her husband. How could she dare covet him? How could she dare harbor thoughts of stealing him away?

Perhaps she had liked him all the more because he was Thea’s. Because he was a man of a rank so far above her she couldn’t even grasp his sleeve, she had painted her cheeks red chasing his fleeting shadow with her eyes. And after that….

“It’s true, it’s the truth.”

Nanna wept. Whether from fear or a choking throat, her whisper sounded like a groan. She sobbed for a long time, and then he flung her onto the bed. She collapsed with a thud. When she opened her eyes, the world spun. Swallowing her sobs, Nanna tried to stifle her cries.