Time of the Blind Beast - Chapter 34

Given her calm yet resolute demeanor during the argument over his treatment with Dr.Brehman or her unwavering actions while confined to the bedroom to nurse him, she didn’t seem like someone prone to shyness. However, when it came to her inner thoughts, she rarely expressed them openly.

Madam Serva regarded Rose as a serendipitous blessing, arriving at just the right moment when someone like her was needed. She possessed the proper refinement to stand by Ezekiel’s side, along with the invaluable virtue of discretion. However, from Ezekiel’s perspective, Rose was frustratingly guarded about her private life.

Had the timely arrival of a letter not given him the chance to read it himself, Rose would likely have kept her lips sealed and continued to quietly do laundry in the laundry room.

He had so many questions.

What kind of parents had made the difficult decision to send their child to a distant boarding school? Which subjects had been her favorite during her studies? What had she planned to do after graduation? Was her habit of saying “I’m fine” and enduring pain without complaint something she was born with, or had it been cultivated? Had she ever thought of showing up in his life a little earlier? At what age had she imagined getting married?

Those were the polite, surface-level questions. Deep down, his curiosity was more primal.

If she had liked him since her time at Milena Girls’ School, how far had her imagination gone? Did she understand that to him, every moment spent with her was like living in perpetual night due to his blindness? And when their bodies intertwined, was the trembling he felt from her due to pain or pleasure? He had even deliberately pushed deep inside her on occasion, just to feel her body tighten in response, to gauge the truth.

“Why no answer, Rose? It seems you don’t need me very much.”

Once again, her reaction was slow. She often hesitated and fell silent in strange moments like this.

Only after his prompting did Rose finally speak.

“…You’re stating the obvious, that’s why. I do need you, Major.”

“The obvious?”

“Yes.”

“That’s not true.”

“Why not?”

“Think about the sacrifices you’ve made so far. Between the two of us, who do you think is more desperate?”

Ezekiel acknowledged, half-jokingly, half-seriously. Rose could have found a place for herself elsewhere, even without him. She had likely completed her education, and with her refined manners and knowledge, she could have made a name for herself as a governess for a prestigious family and lived a good life.

But he, a broken man with his hands metaphorically tied, had only managed to recover because of her. Her devotion had enabled him to quit drinking and opium and find solace and rest. Lately, she had even fulfilled his desires.

He had given so little in return for what he had received.

“I wish I had met you before I lost my sight, but unfortunately, that didn’t happen.”

Ezekiel acknowledged his pitiful state with brutal honesty.

“I should have been more vigilant when I returned to the main mansion after the war, but as you can see, I failed. That’s why I ended up fleeing to this barren, remote place just to save my own life. Honestly, I’m not as wealthy now as I was when I lived as the Valdemaira of Clarice.”

“…Major?”

“And I’ve killed many, many people in battles. I’ve treated you harshly, too. During the war, I saw the cruelest depths of human nature, and I’m not exempt from it—I was a part of that brutality. I’m not like you, Rose. I’m not kind or pure. You’ve seen it for yourself. I’m not the knight or gentleman you might have imagined from afar when you first met me.”

What he said wasn’t something one would expect from a man born and raised as a Valdemaira, brimming with pride, and celebrated as a war hero upon his return. Moreover, she felt unworthy of being described by Ezekiel as kind and pure.

She couldn’t understand why he was saying these things now or how she should respond. Rose simply kept silent, listening to his confession.

“Even so, I promise you this one thing. Though I may not seem very wealthy as a Valdemaira, and I know I appear unstable, estranged from my brother, I will use every method and ability I have to protect you.”

Without realizing it, Rose shook her head. She was here for atonement. She was the woman who had ruined his life, dragging him to this point. For him to vow to protect someone like her was far too cruel a burden for him to bear.

Ezekiel, sensing her motion through their pressed cheeks, raised an eyebrow.

“What does that mean, Rose? Do you not trust me?”

“No, it’s just…”

Her heart sank, and she scrambled to find a response that wouldn’t sound suspicious.

“It’s just too much. I already have more than enough. This feels like a dream.”

Yes, it was too much for someone like her, a sinner.

Her heart pounded wildly as she searched for the right words, the weight of anxiety pressing down on her. She feared her chest might burst open.

“Your heartbeat is loud,” Ezekiel said with a faint smile, placing his hand over her left breast. As he traced the soft curve and cupped her gently, she flinched slightly under his touch.

He had always thought of her as calm and composed, her emotions well-hidden. Yet, her racing heart betrayed her. It was unexpected but deeply pleasing.

It was proof that she was facing him with this pounding heart of hers. It felt as if her heartbeat was expressing the feelings she couldn’t put into words.

After lingering for a moment, he pressed his lips against the soft mound of her breast. The deliberate contact caused Rose’s breath to falter.

“I’ve rarely lived a life without a purpose. In the past, I joined the military to protect Valdemaira, and then I went to war to protect Astrie. For me, protecting something was always a way of life.”

His warm breath against her sensitive skin drew a soft moan from her.

“But when I fell into a trap, everything I thought I was protecting slipped away overnight. I didn’t know what to do or how to live. Now, my world isn’t as grand or dazzling as it was back then, but…”

As he kissed and sucked her tender skin, Ezekiel murmured softly, “Since meeting you, I’ve found something new to protect. This time, I won’t fail.”

Once more, he made his promise.

“You are my purpose, Rose.”

…This isn’t right.

Rose’s half-closed eyes snapped open.

Despite lying entwined with the man who had once seemed as distant as a fantasy, despite hearing his sweet confession, she couldn’t fully rejoice.

Why, now, like this?

She felt devastated.

Heartbroken.

Utterly lost.

And yet, deep down, she harbored a shameless wish.

If only there were a way to undo the past.

If there were, she would have thrown herself into his embrace without hesitation.

She would have done so gladly.

But the weight of her sins was crushing. The irreparable regret weighed on her. Her mouth, burdened with secrets she could never reveal, felt heavy. Her conscience, unable to assert itself, felt heavy. Her fabricated name and appearance felt heavy.

Above all, this man was the heaviest burden she carried.

He was the man who had lost his sight, his career, his pride, his honor, his family, and his future because of her. And yet, he declared he would protect the shell of lies she had created. He made promises he would never utter if he knew the truth.

“Haah…”

No matter how deeply she exhaled, her chest felt stifled.

Rose’s hand touched her neck. She knew what was constricting her.

It was the secret choking her. A grotesque and wicked secret that would never vanish as long as she remained by his side.

“…Are you crying, Rose?”

Though only a few tears had barely formed, Ezekiel keenly noticed the wetness in her eyes. He had developed the habit of feeling her face, even during intimacy, as if trying to read her expressions in place of his lost sight.

His rough, calloused fingers brushed the tears from the corners of her eyes.

“You haven’t even received anything yet. Why are you crying already?”

Tears fell because she felt unworthy of such genuine sincerity.

Her heart ached because she was in no position to desire affection or to harbor selfish wants.

She should be atoning for her sins by doing everything in her power to help him recover, to ensure he didn’t break further. Like his reckless brother, she should have been nothing more than a temporary source of physical comfort to him.

“I don’t think I’m as good a woman as you think I am, Major.”

But her timid heart could only manage to belittle herself in vague terms, unable to articulate the full weight of her truth.