Time of the Blind Beast - Chapter 115

“Let’s go back, Lisanne.”

As Lisanne froze on the spot, Ezekiel too sensed something unusual. He tried to lift her into his arms, but Lisanne pushed against his chest.

She stood on her own and looked around. Ezekiel, her mother, her father. Everyone in this space was someone who worried about her.

And yet she had never felt so lonely. It was as if she had lost her way.

Lisanne looked at the three scattered around the drawing room, then slowly stepped back. Soon after, she turned and left the annex.

But Ezekiel was not someone to stand by and watch her walk away. He immediately followed after her.

“Lisanne, where are you going!”

He was already right behind her. From the beginning, the difference in their strides had been too great. The only reason she had ever walked the estate without feeling hurried or chased was because he had always matched his pace to hers.

Lisanne touched her throat. She wanted to tell him not to follow, to let her be alone for a moment, but no voice came out, only her breath growing sharper and faster.

It was the first time her lost voice had suddenly pressed on her chest so painfully.

But it was a voice she didn’t even know how she had lost. No matter how heavily she exhaled, no matter how she strained her throat, the vanished voice would not return now.

Ezekiel easily overtook her and blocked her path. Startled by the massive wall before her, Lisanne tried to swerve aside quickly, but twisted her ankle. She nearly fell, but Ezekiel caught her in his arms.

“Why are you like this? Is it because you’re angry?”

Even after she regained her balance, he didn’t release the arms wrapped around her back and waist.

She knew he wasn’t holding her with strength, afraid he might hurt her. And yet his grip felt solid. He had no intention of letting go.

“That house…”

Ezekiel carefully chose his words.

“You don’t know because you haven’t been there, but my men broke down the door and searched inside. It’s not in a state fit for anyone to live in. If you don’t want to stay in this mansion and the West feels too far, I’ll find another house for you.”

Lisanne shook her head, meaning no, that wasn’t it.

How could she tell him it wasn’t about the location, but about the people?

That the problem was herself…

Her head spun. Lisanne bit her lower lip again and again.

“Stop biting. You’re bleeding.”

Fingers brushed between her lips, gently sweeping the surface. Only then did Lisanne realize she had been biting until she bled.

She quickly turned her face away. Still, his fingers followed insistently. As she twisted her body, trying to escape both the arms around her waist and the hand wiping her lips—

The cup that had been filled to the brim finally overflowed. Without warning, tears spilled and dampened his fingers.

“…Lisanne?”

Please.

Lisanne shaped the words soundlessly with her lips.

Please, let me go.

I can’t breathe.

She didn’t know how to explain this feeling.

She wasn’t all right. She hadn’t been all right for a long time. Yet she couldn’t pinpoint exactly why.

Why did this place not feel like where she belonged? Why did her heart keep feeling rusted?

Where had this burning restlessness come from?

“Come this way. No one comes here. My study isn’t entered for cleaning without my permission.”

Lisanne blankly stared at the unfamiliar sight.

It was her first time inside his study. She couldn’t quite remember how she had ended up there. All the way from the annex to the main house, she had struggled to break free of his arms, and the more she resisted, the more uneasy Ezekiel became, refusing to let go.

“Lisanne.”

The door closed behind them.

A low sigh was heard.

“…When you cry, I remember that day. When you had just lost the child…”

His voice trembled intermittently. Lisanne, too, remembered that time. Ezekiel had believed she was pregnant with Akenaus’s child, and when he heard of the miscarriage, he had sneered and mocked her.

“The day you were dragged to the detention center, you were calm, showing no reaction. But that day, without making a sound, without a single change in your expression, tears just kept falling as if you were about to melt away and disappear… I had never seen such a wretched kind of weeping anywhere. Even though I had misunderstood you so badly, I was so shocked by your tears that I couldn’t say a word, I just stared at you.”

He brushed away Lisanne’s damp eyes. It was a face of utter misery.

“You don’t cry often. Even when you’re sick, you endure it without showing any weakness, never once complaining. So now I know. When you cry…”

Ezekiel’s eyes twisted with pain.

“…it means I’ve done something terribly wrong.”

The voice that added those words, as his fingers caressed the ones that had wiped her tears, stung as if scorched. As though the fallen drops of tears had burned him. Even though tears could never be that hot.

“Lisanne, if you don’t tell me, I don’t know. You have to teach me what I’ve done wrong again.”

He pulled out a chair and seated her. The chair was designed for his large frame, too tall and broad, so Lisanne had to sit awkwardly leaning against the desk.

The desk in the study was cluttered. Countless papers lay scattered, unorganized.

The whereabouts of the remnants of Akenaus and Levian are still unknown. As they are fundamentally soldiers, once they go into proper hiding, it is difficult to track their traces. Since they suffered near total destruction, it is most likely they have long since fled across the border into Davis, but if they are hiding within the country, it is expected they will attempt to approach the lady of Valdemaira. As she is not in Claris, it will be easier to secretly make contact…

Suddenly spotting a report that looked familiar, she unconsciously lowered her eyes, then startled herself and quickly looked away. She was no longer the maid who had read her blind master’s correspondence. This was not a place where employees came and went freely, and she should not recklessly read military reports.

There were also unfinished letters and official documents awaiting his signature, all hinting at the busy days of an army officer who squeezed in time to handle pending work whenever possible.

In truth, he was such a busy man, and yet, as soon as Paulina and Anna left after spending a few hours, he would immediately return to her side and never leave. It was astonishing how he could be present everywhere she looked.

He always put her before all this work.

It was something she should be grateful for. Something that should move her. Something she should pity him for.

She knew it in her head, but her heart could not follow.

“Lisanne, you’re difficult for me. Let me know you.”

His confession was one Lisanne agreed with. I am difficult for myself too.

She didn’t know what words she would end up writing. Surely it would become a jumble. The words would not be refined, and even she would not know what she was trying to say, leaving it a complete mess.

Because that was exactly how her mind was.

It was different from before. Back then, she had been able to sort her thoughts to some degree, had even picked out useful words while reading books, ready to use them. That was why she had been able to remain calm and rational.

Even so, Lisanne gripped a blank sheet of paper. She pulled it toward her, dipped her fountain pen deeply in ink. Because of her trembling hand, the amount could not be controlled, and the ink spread too much. Black stains dropped onto the paper, spreading like dark tears.

There is someone who says he will take responsibility for this incomplete body of mine for the rest of my life, and everyone says it is fortunate, that it is good, and that I should live that way. My parents are also delighted.

But my own feelings are…

So miserable.

…that I cannot bear it. That’s right. There was no excitement. Not even a bit of joy.

Her hand, confessing as if spilling into a diary, trembled. The lines lost their neatness and wavered.

In my head, I know I should be grateful if my sins are pardoned, I know it is shameless to feel anything else…

Even though the noose around her neck had been untied, her heart did not feel lighter. Rather, it felt as though another weight had been added to her chest, heavy and burdensome.

It’s too painful. I thought of it as the price of sin, so I accepted that even if my heart was weary and my body collapsed, I had to endure it. But then, while being executed, I opened my eyes and suddenly everything was changed, as if none of it had ever happened.

Everyone treats me like someone who just woke up from a long nightmare.

But for Lisanne, it had not been a dream. It had been reality. To dismiss it as a dream, the scars left on her mind and body were too deep. She kept going back over the past. Her body and heart ached too much.

Before Lisanne’s wounds, Ezekiel had only one thing to say. He apologized.

“I’m sorry for hurting you. I…”

Pale, Lisanne gripped the fountain pen tightly.

No.

He stopped and looked at her.

That’s not it.