Time of the Blind Beast - Chapter 114

Chapter 14: The Right to Part with Dignity

“Indeed, the capital isn’t that cold in winter. It passes quickly too. I feel like spring is already in the air. In Derosa, it will still be winter for quite some time.”

Through the wide open window Anna had flung open, the late winter wind swept into the bedroom. Born in Derosa and strong against the cold, Anna tilted her head every time the people of Claris shivered and trembled, bundled tightly in thick clothes.

“Oh, did you hear? Dr. Paulina will be returning home soon.”

Lisanne also felt that it would be so before long. Ethan’s presence felt less like someone who had come at Paulina’s request to meet her, and more like someone who had come to fetch his estranged wife. Moreover, Paulina was a promising doctor. Just the fact that she had stayed until now was a great kindness born from their connection in Derosa.

Anna glanced at Lisanne.

“And I too…”

Her voice lowered with guilt.

“The master wishes for me to move into the main estate and remain with you, but my family is still in Derosa… Now that you’ve recovered a lot, I feel relieved. I think it’s time for me to return and see my family.”

Lisanne wasn’t surprised.

It was only natural to think that way. Both Paulina and Anna had their own circumstances, and they couldn’t be tied to the Valdemaira estate forever.

With a flutter, birds spread their wings and took flight.

“You’ll stay here, right?”

Anna asked naturally.

“I still remember the first day I met you in Derosa. I thought you were a pretty and diligent girl, but seeing with my own eyes how someone’s fate could change so drastically is still astonishing. Even then, I thought you seemed too good for mere laundry work. Maybe I sensed you would become someone precious someday. I feel envious, and also truly relieved. Now I even worry whether I’ll get in trouble if I just call you by name… Claris is wonderful, but because I first saw you in the North, I feel a bit wistful. You’ll come visit Derosa someday, won’t you?”

Lisanne nodded. Only then did Anna smile brightly, reassured.

***

I want to visit my parents.

Ezekiel was quite surprised when he read the note Lisanne handed him.

It was a rare request. Lisanne almost never expressed a desire to do anything. Even her long-delayed family visits, when she finally mentioned them, made him study her expression closely.

Had there been some change in her feelings?

He had watched carefully after arranging her meeting with Ethan, wondering if something had shifted, but Lisanne remained much the same as always. On some days, she even seemed more withdrawn.

“A visit? Will you be all right?”

If Lisanne was fine with it, there was no reason against it.

Ezekiel checked the clock. Four in the afternoon. At this hour, her parents should have finished their light exercise, as the doctor advised, and would be resting in the annex. Lisanne hadn’t asked, but Ezekiel received daily reports about the couple’s routine.

“Then shall we go now? Unless there’s something you need to prepare.”

At his answer, Lisanne gathered paper, a fountain pen, and an ink bottle. They seemed to be things she had in mind, knowing he would accompany her.

He quickly took the items from her hand.

“Give them to me.”

This meant she had something to say to her family.

During previous visits, Lisanne had never prepared writing materials. She had only looked at her family’s healthy appearance, listened to their words, and that had been enough.

“Lissy?”

“What brings you here?”

Her parents welcomed Lisanne, who had appeared without notice, though they looked a little bewildered. Free from their long illness, their faces now glowed with healthy color.

Lisanne gazed at her parents, their sickly pallor gone.

The couple awkwardly met her eyes.

“So… did you come to see if we’re healthy? We’re all better now.”

“It’s all thanks to the master’s care.”

They didn’t forget to credit Ezekiel, conscious of his promise to make their daughter his wife.

“It’s a little early, but would you like to have dinner with us?”

At her mother’s suggestion, Lisanne shook her head.

She walked to the drawing room. Her parents and Ezekiel, who had trailed after her, sat across from her as she unfolded the paper and dipped her pen in ink.

She hadn’t come to stay long. She had only come because she had something to say.

Resolutely, Lisanne wrote her first sentence.

Now that we’re all healthy, let’s go home.

The first to harden his expression upon reading Lisanne’s writing was Ezekiel. Her parents, unable to read, only stared blankly at the message she had set down.

“Lissy, what on earth did you write…?”

“What home are you talking about, Lisanne? Where would you return to?”

“Home? You’re saying to return?”

Their voices overlapped in confusion.

Lisanne drew a breath and gripped her pen firmly.

Our home.

When winter passes, the birds fly back to their native land. Travelers who had left their homes also began sending word that they were returning to the places they longed for.

That was when she suddenly realized. That now, it was time to end her wandering and return to the place she belonged.

“Lissy, are you going to become the lady of Valdemaira?”

It was truly strange.

As she watched her family, thrilled with anticipation of a rosy future, Lisanne wondered why she felt as if she were drowning, as if she would suffocate, though she wasn’t even in water.

“‘Our home?’”

Ezekiel narrowed his eyes.

“Lisanne, what do you mean? You’re saying you want to go back to ‘our home’?”

“Our home? No, that place has been left vacant for years…”

“There’s nothing left there, and even if there was, thieves would have long since taken it all…”

At this estate, she had met many skilled doctors. In this splendid environment, she had done nothing but live idly, cared for by others. Here, Lisanne had lived like a noble. It was treatment more than enough, overflowing.

But no matter how much she slept, no matter how good the food she ate, the fatigue never went away. It felt as though her soul had burned down to ashes. So one corner of her heart always felt empty.

I don’t want to stay here any longer.

At last, she understood the reason.

It was because this was not where she belonged.

Her body was comfortable, but her heart was not.

“…I did think Claris and the Valdemaira estate might feel burdensome to you for a while. If you can recover more comfortably somewhere else, I think that would be good too.”

Ezekiel began calmly.

“I meant to say it earlier, but I didn’t have the chance. Lisanne, I have a mansion prepared in the West. It’s a cozy, livable place. It’s already well equipped, enough to move into right away without inconvenience. How about staying there with your family for a while until people quiet down?”

Hearing Ezekiel’s added explanation, her parents’ expressions relaxed with relief. Realizing that this man had no intention of ever letting Lisanne go, her parents subtly took his side.

“Yes, Lissy. How could you suddenly say we should just leave like that?”

“We don’t even have anywhere to go.”

It’s not as if our home has disappeared. We can just clean up what’s dirty, and live without what’s missing. When did we ever live in wealth anyway?

“Lisanne.”

Please tell them for me.

“You’re still too weak.”

Tell them.

“Yes, Lissy. You still need more treatment, don’t you? Your voice has to be healed, and also…”

“Listen to the master. Isn’t he saying all this out of concern for you?”

Lisanne set down her fountain pen.

The ink spread black across the paper, soaking into the message that could not be conveyed.

So this was what it meant.

“When some part of your body is not whole, others try to make decisions in many aspects of your life for you.”

Even when she could clearly express her will, it didn’t reach them.

Rather than the shabby, abandoned home, they thought this comfortable life here was better and refused to accept her words. Ezekiel didn’t want to let her leave his side, and her parents didn’t want to give up the ease of this estate.

Just as Ethan had to wear clothes chosen by Paulina’s taste instead of his own, Lisanne was forced to be swayed by decisions Ezekiel and her parents made under the name of caring for her.

Ethan accepted that price as worthwhile for living with Paulina.

But I.

But I…?

Lisanne asked herself.

Could she really keep living like this? Already her chest felt so stifled.

Why did it feel so hard to breathe? As her shoulders rose and fell with a deep inhalation, Ezekiel came closer and peered into her face.

“Lisanne, are you unwell? Shall we return to the bedroom?”

In the dark blue of the man’s iris, her own reflection shimmered. At such a close distance, her widened eyes, her restless gaze, her awkward expression—all were reflected like a mirror.

To others, it might have looked like ordinary surprise or confusion. But Lisanne knew.

This was the face of fear. The face of someone barely holding back tears. The face of someone who didn’t know what to do.

It felt like she had been struck by lightning.

Had she always been looking at him with such a face?

Since when? For what reason? Why?

“Sometimes you have to face your true nature or the deepest parts of yourself, things you never wanted anyone to see.”