Time of the Blind Beast - Chapter 111

I swear I had no intention of waking Lisanne.

Just looking at her made me feel like I could overcome it on my own. Since I had memories of overcoming it with Lisanne, I wanted to lean on those memories.

But it didn’t take long before Ezekiel regretted not moving to another place sooner.

“Ugh…”

A muffled groan slipped out through his clenched teeth. He checked Lisanne’s expression out of the corner of his eye. She often dozed off during the day when tired, but it was rare for her to sleep deeply. Ezekiel clenched his jaw with all his might, worried that his groan might slip into Lisanne’s ears and disturb her rest.

He must not make a sound.

He had to exist in this room as if he were not here.

His breathing began to heat up.

This… damn it…

Ezekiel cursed inwardly.

Because he hadn’t taken it when he should, the drug lurking quietly in his bloodstream had awakened like a ferocious beast. Its claws tore through his stomach, scratching and stabbing it into pieces.

He’d grown somewhat dulled. To the pain brought on by withdrawal.

He had even been a bit optimistic. Compared to the past when he had lived with alcohol and opium from morning till night, at least he wasn’t addicted to such large amounts anymore, so he thought it would be better now.

But with every beat of his blood, the remnants of the past came back to life.

Yes, this was the feeling.

The feeling of something else being inside him.

The feeling that his body was not his own.

Ezekiel roughly wiped the cold sweat dripping from his face.

Who could he blame? He himself was the one who had gone through all that suffering only to bring this disaster upon himself again.

His muscles slipped out of control. He considered leaving the room even now, but it was already too late. If he dragged his body out, it would make noise. If the servants were startled and came running, it could cause an even bigger commotion. It was better to endure it quietly in this room.

He couldn’t muster any strength in his legs. Ezekiel knelt beside Lisanne’s head.

The unchained beast tore at his throat. His chest throbbed with a searing pain. Ezekiel leaned his left shoulder against the wall. Since he couldn’t let out a groan, he had to resolve it somehow inside himself. He pressed his shoulder hard against the wall. He intended to fight back with force and suppress the beast.

He had to endure.

He would endure.

As he strained against the wall until his shoulder blade ached, Ezekiel thought of Lisanne, who had spent nights clutching him desperately as he writhed in withdrawal.

It was incredible. That Lisanne, with that frail body, had endured and borne such strength. Yet she had always comforted him, saying she was fine. Sometimes with the faint smell of blood, her voice holding back her breath from the pain, forcing herself to act as if nothing was wrong.

Her body probably had not a single part left unscathed.

Lisanne, I really hurt you so much.

In a daze, he glanced at her, and then noticed Lisanne’s eyelids fluttering open.

“…Lisanne?”

He called her name in a restrained voice.

“When did you wake up? I didn’t mean to wake you…”

She must have been startled. Ezekiel knew well the pressure and fear his unusual build caused others. Even just standing still was enough, but here he was crouched like a beast and twitching. How startled must she have been upon waking.

Ezekiel checked Lisanne’s pale complexion.

“It’s nothing.”

He quickly added, “I’ll be fine soon. Don’t worry… Sorry for waking you.”

He wanted to tell her to go back to sleep, even smooth down the blanket for her, but he wasn’t sure if he could move his arm properly.

Lisanne quietly lowered her eyes. From where Ezekiel sat, he could only see her long lashes casting shadows.

If only she would close her eyes and sleep like that.

But Lisanne was not someone who didn’t know what he was going through. In some ways, she probably knew more than Ezekiel himself. While Ezekiel could only grasp the changes in his body through sensations, Lisanne had witnessed and endured them vividly with her own eyes.

Her neat lashes trembled faintly. It seemed she truly couldn’t fall asleep.

Ezekiel swallowed down the curse directed at himself.

What a pathetic bastard. Starting pointless trouble beside someone sleeping peacefully, causing needless disturbance.

“…Lisanne.”

Trying to keep the roughness out of his breath, his voice grew even lower and slower.

“Close your eyes, cover your ears, and turn your back.”

He forced a smile into his words. Hoping his tone would sound calm, so she wouldn’t worry.

“I don’t want to show you this ugly, pathetic side of me.”

Only after a while did Lisanne turn her back to him. But judging by the irregular rise and fall of her back, she didn’t seem to be able to sleep at all.

He pretended not to be in pain even though he was, and Lisanne pretended to sleep even though she couldn’t.

It was a cruel time for both of them.

***

Still, it was fortunate that he had already experienced it once before, so he could anticipate what kind of pain would appear and prepare for it. It was also lucky that the withdrawal symptoms were not as strong as last time. Since he had to watch over Lisanne’s every move, even if he suffered withdrawal symptoms, he could not be isolated comfortably as before.

The beast would tuck its tail and retreat briefly if Ezekiel endured with sheer willpower, but it struck unexpectedly when he was fatigued or weakened. Then Ezekiel would simply grit his teeth and endure. He would seek out a space to be alone or send the people around him away, then bite his lips until they bled and strike his disobedient limbs as he fought the beast.

On days when the itching was severe, he recalled Lisanne’s touch when she carefully washed his body, and he bathed himself several times. Even so, he couldn’t prevent the numerous scratches that formed on his arms and legs. Ezekiel always dressed impeccably, making sure that no wounds were visible to Lisanne.

As her strength improved, Lisanne spent more time in the armchair than in bed. The enormous chair that enveloped her from head to toe was brought in so she could sink her back into it and rest comfortably.

When the sun spread its drowsy light in the afternoon, she sat in the armchair by the window, reading a book, learning knitting from Anna, or exchanging written notes with Paulina. Even then, they were never deep conversations, only trivial matters of daily life.

The meal was delicious.

I’m sleeping well. I’m fine.

Thank you for your concern.

Ezekiel sometimes found notes scattered on the table. Though he knew he shouldn’t, his eyes instinctively fixed on Lisanne’s handwriting. Without touching them, he quickly glanced at the written exchanges, and the contents were only things that were fine for him to read. He thought that even if he had picked up the papers outright, Lisanne wouldn’t have shown much displeasure.

Perhaps she even left them there intentionally for him to see.

Ezekiel thought so.

That she wanted to say she was eating and sleeping well, so he shouldn’t worry. More precisely, that she wished to block any interference from the start.

“Miss Lisanne seems to want to speak only in refined words. Maybe because she noticed I delivered the first note to you, Major, or maybe it’s just that she has so much time to herself that she thinks it over and decides on her own.”

Paulina’s impression was similar.

By now, Lisanne surely knew that even the smallest details of her daily life reached Ezekiel through Paulina or Anna. Even if they were friendly and kind people for staying in the mansion instead of returning to their hometown, she probably didn’t trust them to keep whispered secrets.

“So she only tells stories that are already concluded in her heart, ones no one can nitpick. Even if I want to give her an opportunity to pour out her complaints, she leaves no room for it. I have no way to intervene.”

That was also what Ezekiel felt.

For someone like him, who regretted not being generous with her, Lisanne had delivered her message with calm determination.

Don’t say you’re sorry.

That there was no need to apologize.

I made the best choice I could in the given situation. Whether it was right or wrong, wise or foolish, it doesn’t matter. So I have no regrets. And you shouldn’t regret it either. Every moment, you made the choice you thought was best.

It was so rational it seemed almost cold.

Though the conversation had not remained in writing, the memory of that day was so striking that Ezekiel had not forgotten a single sentence she had shown him.

The more he thought about it, the stranger it seemed.

How could Lisanne have spoken like that?

Was that really something someone who had been rescued in the middle of an execution, who had lost her voice from the shock, could calmly say?

Was that truly Lisanne’s honest feelings?

Could it be that the experience of nearly paying a terrible price with death in front of countless citizens of Claris was controlling her thoughts and words?

Then what must he do to know her true heart?

It was utterly perplexing.