Time of the Blind Beast - Chapter 105

His heartbeat thumped and wavered. Memories of Lisanne willingly enduring all sorts of hardships to save him from Laudanum passed through Ezekiel’s mind one by one.

Ezekiel instinctively tried to hide the vial of Laudanum in his hand. But he gave up almost immediately.

Lisanne… she didn’t even flinch upon seeing the vial in Ezekiel’s hand. She didn’t turn her head as though she’d seen something she shouldn’t have, nor did she cast a reproachful look as if scolding him for using opium again. She simply reacted as if it were normal—he must be taking medicine—and remained indifferent.

Ezekiel bitterly ridiculed himself.

I would too. If I were you, I would ignore a pathetic man like me. You’re right, Lisanne.

You won’t look at me anymore, and even if I fall back into addiction, you won’t worry.

But honestly, that was all fine. Lisanne didn’t need to care about him. She had already done more than enough. Returning to the drug was entirely due to his own weakness.

Still, just…

Ezekiel looked at Lisanne.

Emotionless eyes, worn to the point of becoming void, stared at him.

She had once looked at him with eyes full of love, trying so hard to save him from right beside him, but he had been blind and never saw it even once. And now, he realized with a jolt that he never would.

The realization hit like a lightning strike.

Lisanne, I’ve never once seen your smiling face.

Not when I couldn’t see, and not now when I can.

Still, during our nighttime walks through the garden at the winter estate, you could at least smile faintly. I searched for you believing I could help you live more brightly. I wanted to see that smile returned to me with these eyes I regained, but now, even though I can finally see you, you can neither smile nor speak.

And the one who made you this way… was me.

He was disgusted with himself.

Ezekiel shoved the Laudanum back into his pocket. Hiding his crumpling expression, he pulled up a chair and sat as if nothing had happened.

“Did I wake you?”

Lisanne, her face buried in the blanket, turned her head to the other side. She seemed intent on trying to sleep again. Not wanting to show him her sleeping face, she turned away.

Her position looked uncomfortable, and not long after, Lisanne began to cough. Twisting her neck unnaturally must have triggered it.

“Wait just a moment. I’ll bring you some water.”

Since her throat had been injured and she coughed often, there was always a water bottle prepared in the bedroom.

Ezekiel walked over and brought some water. As he helped her sit up and held the cup to her lips, Lisanne kept her gaze lowered, her eyes not moving in the slightest.

She refused to meet his eyes.

Ezekiel looked at her long, drooping eyelashes.

“Are you alright? How about some tea? I heard there’s one that’s good for the throat.”

Lisanne shook her head.

He tried not to sigh.

I don’t know how to make you look at me.

He had yet to do anything for her, but he already felt lost from the very first step. He couldn’t force treatment on her when she refused the doctor, but leaving her be was even harder. He just wanted her to speak once, just once, but never imagined how grueling that would be.

“Lisanne.”

There was no way out of the despair. Though he knew it was foolish to dwell on what had already happened, Ezekiel couldn’t help but imagine other possibilities.

If only I had realized sooner.

If only I had paid more attention to your desperate pleas, to your request to save your family.

If only I had been more generous and taken Montcalm’s advice to bring a doctor earlier.

If only…

“…If only I had been just a little kinder to you.”

Would things have been different?

Would you have lost less?

The child, your voice, your family, your hope and will for the future, your love, your laughter, your expectations—maybe one of them could have been saved.

Then we wouldn’t have needed to take such a long, harsh detour. Even if it had taken time to talk through and unravel our tangled past, maybe in the end, we would’ve been waiting for our child to be born, filled with joy.

It was then that Lisanne, who had kept her gaze lowered all this time, suddenly raised her head. Her eyes had lost all trace of sleep as she looked directly at Ezekiel.

Overcome with joy and surprise, he quickly asked, “What is it?”

Lisanne glanced around, then picked up the book he had placed on the bedside table. Flipping through the pages, she began to point to appropriate words one by one. Ezekiel was about to offer to bring her a writing instrument, but he swallowed the unnecessary suggestion.

The exchange would end too quickly. He wanted to look at the focused Lisanne for a long, long while. If this could count as a conversation, he wanted to savor this moment of her expressing her will again.

Above all, since the book didn’t contain the word “Major,” Lisanne chose the word “you” instead.

You.

A dreamlike designation. She had always called him “Major” with formal courtesy. He had once asked her to call him more casually, by name, but she had always refused out of discomfort over their class difference. Even though the word was chosen out of necessity, hearing the less formal term made his heart race.

But the excitement was short-lived.

I’m sorry… don’t… say it.

She was responding to his self-deprecation.

Ezekiel assembled the words Lisanne had pointed to in his mind. Having lived with her in Derosa and grown familiar with her way of speaking, he could substitute her tone and voice to understand what she meant to say.

Don’t say you’re sorry.

At her firmly stated first words, Ezekiel parted his heavy lips.

“…How can I not say I’m sorry.”

He was sorry. Dizzying, desperate, fearful, anxious. Among the countless emotions too complex to define with words, the one that held the most space was, without question, remorse.

Say it was the price for the sins I committed. That way, I won’t cling to what I’ve lost. You avenged your enemy and did what you had to do. Isn’t that what you wanted?

He would have preferred resentment. For her to say it was all his fault, to cry or get angry, to hit him and release the bitterness in her chest.

But Lisanne did not do that. Though she showed slight discomfort in the moment, she remained calm. It seemed like resignation, or perhaps transcendence.

I made the best choice I could in the given situation. Whether it was right or wrong, wise or foolish, it doesn’t matter. So I have no regrets. And you shouldn’t regret it either. Every moment, you made the choice you thought was best.

She must have mulled it over countless times, yet even as she poured out her long-held thoughts, there was no hesitation. Though she moved slowly to point out the words, it was only due to taking time to choose more appropriate expressions.

You’re someone who could only be that way, and I, too, am someone who could only be this way. Just as you said, we really are a twisted bond.

At last, Lisanne gave her conclusion. That their relationship was a twisted one. Ezekiel also remembered. It was he who first spoke those words.

“You’re probably sick of me, but I’m absolutely fed up with you too. It’s about time we put an end to this twisted bond between us.”

Ezekiel wanted to beat his past self mercilessly for carelessly spitting out words that hurt her. Lisanne had always listened carefully to everything that came from his mouth. In the cold detention camp, with a bloodied body, she must have ruminated over his sharp mockery day by day. How deeply was she wounded? What state of mind must she have had to silently fasten the noose and prepare to die?

It was unbearable to imagine.

We didn’t love each other.

Lisanne, who had briefly paused her hand, gazed at him quietly. As she met his eyes that now chased her movements with precision, she quickly lowered her head and gripped a handful of her brown hair, staring at it.

Ezekiel understood her meaning instantly.

She was saying it. That he had loved the ‘Rose’ with red hair and green eyes, and she had loved the blind man in the northern mansion.

The people we loved back then no longer exist in this world. So there’s no reason for me to be here either.

It felt like the ground beneath him had collapsed.

He felt as if struck by a blunt weapon. His mind reeled. He would have believed it if someone said the world had briefly tilted. That was how great the shock was.

“There’s no reason for you to be here? Why not?”

Ezekiel planted his feet and stood tall. At the very least, he couldn’t show a pitiful face in front of Lisanne.

“You…”

You have to get treatment and recover.

You must enjoy the things you deserve.

You must stay by my side.

To him, they were all obvious reasons. So self-evident he had never questioned why. But to Lisanne, they were not.