Swan Grave - Chapter 48

First Year, August 16

I want to go back. I want to see my mom.

First Year, August 20

After shutting myself in for several months, Rothbart suddenly came to apologize. He said he never thought I would dislike him this much and had assumed I was just playing hard to get. No doubt he’s full of himself because he’s handsome.

Still, being an only child of a noble family and spoiled, it’s understandable. I, younger in age but a bit more mature, decided to accept his apology.

First Year, September 5

Roth doesn’t seem entirely rotten. Ah, Roth is the nickname I gave him because his name was too long. Honestly, five syllables for a name is inconsiderate for the people who have to say it. Though Roth disliked it, he never told me to stop.

He said he had never been rejected before and that everything I said was strange to him. When I teased him, asking if this was like those lines, “You’re the first woman to treat me this way,” he rolled his eyes irritably. If not, then why curse me with your eyes?

First Year, September 12

Thank goodness no one can read my diary. Just in case, I filled it with curses about Roth, but he didn’t seem to have a clue. From now on, I’ll write them more freely.

First Year, October 6

There’s a long scar on Roth’s left arm. I worried it might have been a suicide attempt, but he snapped at me, saying it was because of me. He said summoning a swan required the blood of a demon.

I never asked him to do it, so why was he angry at me? I’m the one who should be angry!

First Year, October 31

It’s already been a year since I fell into this world. I’m living normally. No, I’m just pretending to.

I’m going crazy worrying about my mom. I think she’s waiting for me. But what if she, believing I’m dead, makes a terrible choice?

No. That can’t happen.

I must find a way to return to my original world. To do that… I need Roth’s cooperation.

First Year, November 3

I proposed a contract marriage to Roth.

It was a suggestion to cooperate, to deceive Marquess Albert’s eyes for the time being, so that I could return to my original world.

He looked reluctant, but not as resistant as before. Maybe he finally understood that I had no interest in him and only wanted to go back.

Thank goodness.

Second Year, January 16

Lately, Roth has been asking troublesome questions.

Why do I want to return so badly? Do I have someone I love in my original world?

When he asked, I nodded. Then Roth flared up, demanding to know if I would still marry him even though I had someone I loved.

It was difficult. I couldn’t bring myself to say it was my mom. It’s only natural for a parent and child to worry about each other… But for Roth, it wasn’t natural.

One of my parents had passed away, and the other remained, just the two of us left as family… Roth’s family situation was similar, but his circumstances were completely different.

He told me his mother had taken her own life to turn him into a demon. Roth could never understand her.

As for his father, Marquess Albert, he said he wasn’t someone he could rely on. He added that Albert hated him for causing his mother’s death, and that his only goal was to make him an excellent Marquess of Lohengrin, as per her dying wish. To someone like him, how could I say that my mother was the most precious person in the world?

I just mumbled vaguely. That was the best I could do.

Second Year, January 30

Roth suddenly asked a strange question. Where were the clothes I wore when I first came to this world?

Come to think of it, where did I put them… If I can’t remember, I might have to return wearing one of these frilly dresses. My mom would freak out. Then again, since they have jewels sewn on, maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad choice.

I thought it was just a casual question, but Roth kept pressing me. When I finally told him I had lost them, annoyed by his persistence, he frowned and scolded me for being careless. To suddenly attack me like that when I had done nothing, clearly this guy won’t make a good husband. Thank goodness our marriage is only conditional.

Second Year, March 20

The wedding has been set.

Second Year, May 1

Today was my wedding to Roth. A wedding. I’m only 21 years old…

Roth, dressed in his ceremonial clothes, looked truly handsome. If it weren’t for the condition that he had to be paired with a dimensional traveler, he would have been very popular in high society. I felt both regret and a strange sense of victory.

But it’s a meaningless victory. Because soon, I will leave.

Second Year, May 2

I slept with Roth. Honestly, it wasn’t something I intended. But the atmosphere… the atmosphere led to it.

The thought that I would be leaving anyway spurred me on. My parents had taught me never to give my body to just anyone, but ah, whatever.

I just thought it wouldn’t be so bad if Roth was my first. He was annoying, but not cruel, and he was very handsome. Above all, it was his first time too. Taking this as my last memory before leaving didn’t seem like a bad idea.

…It’s a relief Roth can’t see this diary.

Second Year, May 7

I’m completely exhausted. Since we married, Roth has clung to me constantly.

The problem is, I don’t entirely dislike it. As if to prove his claim that there’s nothing he can’t do, he grew more adept while I still stumbled like a toddler. Swept along by him, I couldn’t get hold of myself.

It feels like my body is breaking and being remade to fit him, until I can’t live without him. Until I want only him.

That was frightening, but what I worried about most was that, at this rate, the day I could return would be endlessly delayed. That was a problem.

I needed resolve. The resolve to leave him.

Second Year, May 10

I was deceived. Deceived. Deceived!

To return, I need the clothes I wore in my original world!

My heart sank when I realized I had lost them, but it turns out Marquess Albert had stolen them. That son of a bitch said he would return them if I bore Roth’s child… In the end, everything went back to the beginning.

A child… ridiculous. I never even considered it. Besides, having one would take too long.

Come to think of it, before our marriage, Roth had once asked me about the clothes. Did he know something? But I don’t dare ask…

Second Year, July 6

Pregnancy… Is that really the only answer? What if I bear a child, but Marquess Albert still doesn’t return the clothes?

Second Year, October 31

Another year has passed like this. Those clothes. If only I had those clothes…

Second Year, December 13

Roth would never want to have a child with me. I had to persuade him. How?

Second Year, December 15

Should I be honest with him? No. Roth harbors deep resentment toward Marquess Albert. If I told him the truth outright, he might flare up and insist that pregnancy must never happen… I needed to approach this carefully.

Second Year, December 21

Anyway, we keep sleeping together. If I can just make Roth stop using contraception, everything will be solved…

Third Year, January 3

I casually asked Roth if he had any thoughts of having a child.

Instead of answering, he asked me whether I loved him. It was an unexpected question.

Naturally, I nodded. It wasn’t a lie. Whether it was through resentment or through the body, I had long since come to like this arrogant man. But what that had to do with pregnancy, I still couldn’t understand.

Roth stayed silent, then left the room. I worried I might have said something wrong.

Third Year, January 10

Roth agreed! He said we should have a child.

Third Year, March 2

It wasn’t as easy to conceive as I thought. This year’s red moon day passed, and I failed to leave.

Maybe I was too obviously disappointed, because Roth comforted me, saying pregnancy isn’t so easy. Then he asked me what flower I liked. He suggested that we at least plant flowers in the garden, which cheered me up a little.

Flowers… roses would be nice.

Third Year, October 31

Failed again this year. Next year, no matter what.