Swan Grave - Chapter 42

Now she had no choice but to admit it. The heart Anna had once fortified like a fortress when she first accepted Rothbart’s proposal had long since crumbled to pieces.

Even after suffering such things at his hands, her heart still trembled at his gaze, her mind grew restless at his voice. When she saw him with reddened eyes from the wound left by his former wife, she felt so sorry for him she could hardly bear it.

“My wife left without ever giving Svanhild her breast, not even once. She never looked at his face. I thought she simply wasn’t ready and tried to comfort her… but that wasn’t it. She had finished preparing sooner than anyone.”

To abandon me and Svanhild. Rothbart’s bloodshot red eyes wavered like a blazing field.

She’d thought Svanhild was merely clever but sly, yet hearing he had been abandoned by his mother the moment he was born, a surge of pity rose up. Just as Anna clung to traces of her late parents and longed to return to her original world, how desperately must Svanhild long for his mother?

But just as pitiable as Svanhild was the man before her. Clutching his mangled heart, this man was bound to the specter of eleven years past.

Rothbart’s face twisted as if about to cry. The face of a man much older than herself, who had seemed unshakable by the harsh storms of the world, now laid bare so easily, undid the last lock of reason she had left.

“You too will be the same, won’t you? Even if you bear a child, you will leave without so much as seeing its face…”

“I would never do that. It’s my child, after all…”

The answer slipped from Anna’s lips before she knew it. Rothbart scoffed and denied it.

“Lies.”

The voice that began so firm quivered faintly at the end. Though he believed Anna’s words to be a lie without doubt, it was as though he couldn’t help but hope. Even that stubborn denial seemed like a backlash from the deep wound left by his wife.

Anna pitied him. She wanted to hold him, to tell him she wouldn’t leave his side.

He struggled with the void left by his wife, and Anna had no family to rely on. Perhaps the two of them could make up for each other’s lack…

But he was a man far too difficult for Anna to endure. He was like a swamp. He gave nothing to her, while the more steps she took toward him, the deeper she sank into the mire. After swallowing her whole, Rothbart himself would go on living as if nothing had happened.

Now Rothbart was the one asking Anna to be his wife, but perhaps later… it might be Anna clinging to his feet, begging him to let her stay. That thought terrified her more than anything.

While Anna hesitated, Rothbart composed his expression, hiding his weakness. The face of a wounded beast vanished, replaced by a mocking smile as he poked at Anna’s pale chest with his finger.

“Then when do you plan to leave after having a child? When the child is weaned? When the child first speaks? When the child takes its first steps?”

“……”

She had never thought of it. The tip of his finger felt as though it pierced through her ribs and stirred her heart, pounding her with both embarrassment and shock.

Anna couldn’t easily continue. She had thought only of bearing a child and leaving, but had never once truly thought about the child itself. She had simply assumed that Rothbart, as a marquess, would surely raise the child well.

That was how she could keep her heart at ease.

“I…”

If only I had been Rothbart’s first swan.

If only that had been the case, Anna would never have even considered returning to her original world.

Love had always been given to her so sparingly, that even the little kindness Rothbart sometimes showed was enough to quench her thirst. Believing that her late parents would understand and bless her if she built a new family here, she would have done anything to remain by Rothbart’s side.

But now, in his heart, there was a true love he held, and Anna was nothing more than a substitute for that woman. An unwanted dissonance intruding into an already complete relationship, unable to take a single step beyond that shadow.

Even if he now called Anna’s name in bed, Rothbart was still burning with the thirst for revenge against the wife who had disappeared more than ten years ago. Anna even envied that. If she were to disappear, would he long for her so?

‘But… in the end, the Marchioness is gone. She disappeared. The one by Rothbart’s side now is me.’

She couldn’t become his first and only love, but among the women left, she would be the only one. Wouldn’t that be enough? Even if someday Rothbart’s heart were to drift away, she would still have the child she bore…

‘In any case, if I return to my original world, there’s not a single person there who would welcome me.’

The scale in Anna’s heart tipped toward remaining in this world.

Anna’s lips parted. The words that she wouldn’t leave surged up to the very tip of her throat.

But she couldn’t reveal such feelings so plainly. It was her last remaining pride.

Barely managing to restrain herself, Anna forced her voice to sound as calm as possible and diverted the topic.

“It’s still far off. I will think about it then…”

“Even if you think about it then, the conclusion you reach will be the same.”

Rothbart’s voice was sharp.

“In the end, when the chance comes for you to return, you will leave without even looking back.”

“No.”

Anna quickly denied it, but Rothbart already seemed like someone who had reached a conclusion.

“We’ll see when the time comes.”

Rothbart stared fixedly at Anna, as if trying to discern her true feelings. No matter how much Anna tried to explain, he had no intention of listening, and Anna had no intention of baring her heart to convince him.

Anna smiled awkwardly and picked up her clothes. As she dressed, feigning indifference, the inside of her mouth was parched dry.

“I’ll be going now.”

Rothbart turned his head sharply away from Anna. Her reply must have thoroughly displeased him, as if he didn’t want to even see her face. Anna’s heart felt bound tight in chains. With a clumsy smile, she rose from her seat.

“Then I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Turning her back on Rothbart’s coldness, Anna slowly stood. The mahogany door slammed shut behind her. It felt as though she had been shoved out, and her chest chilled.

Had I needlessly clung to my pride? Should I have just said I wanted to stay by your side… Regret welled up too late, but everything was already over.

Anna let out a deep sigh. She had thought admitting her attraction to him would ease her heart, but instead, only a heavier helplessness covered her.

***

Having finished earlier than usual, Anna wondered for a moment what to do. She thought of helping others with their tasks as she had before, but perhaps because of the torment she had suffered in such a short span, her whole body ached. Moreover, since her poor condition last time, everyone had been reluctant to ask Anna for help. Deciding to just return to the attic, Anna dragged her heavy legs and climbed the stairs.

Entering the room, Anna untied her apron and dropped heavily onto the bed. Just then, a low groan came from beneath it.

“Ugh!”

Startled by the male voice, Anna leapt up and stumbled back. She barely steadied her weakened legs, ready to call for someone. Perhaps sensing her alarm, the man under the bed quickly added.

“I, I’m not a strange person. I’m only hiding here because of certain circumstances. My younger sister stays here…”

The voice was familiar. Anna swallowed nervously and, keeping her distance, cautiously bent down to check under the bed.

There, crouched naked and pale, was a man. Their eyes met.

“…Se, Sehyun oppa?”