Grace in Wonderland - Chapter 93

93. Anxiety and Fear

“Well done, Grace Gurton.”

Charles Dodgson sat down on the chair beside Grace’s bed, his tone dripping with sarcasm. The cup he held in his hand was placed on the bedside table, its sweet honey aroma wafting through the air.

“I’m s-sorry.”

Grace barely managed to open her swollen eyes. Her voice came out hoarse, startling her into pulling the blanket over her head.

How could she live with such embarrassment…

“Do you even know how strong that liquor is?”

The “sleep aid” Grace had chosen last night was a bottle of gin—the very bottle Charles Dodgson had hidden deep in the cupboard and occasionally sipped from. Gin, which had taken Ingrint by storm after its domestic production began, was practically the national drink.

Charles Dodgson had often worried that gin, being so cheaply available, would cause various societal issues. But for Grace, who had little interest in alcohol, it was a distant concern.

“I… I think I understand why people drink it so much,” Grace mumbled. Her words made Charles Dodgson laugh in disbelief.

Her first taste of gin had been oddly sweet. It was different from punch or sherry, but it went down smoothly, making her drink more and more. One glass, then another… and before she knew it, the once-full bottle was empty. The strong alcohol coursed through her body, leaving her head buried in the pillow as she passed out. It served its purpose as a sleeping aid, albeit too well.

“I’ve sent the Young Earl’s attendant away.”

Charles Dodgson’s laughter faded as he informed her, his expression turning reluctant.

“He said he’d return tomorrow.”

Charles Dodgson had also been aware that Richard Spencer, the Young Earl, had shown up outside their house last night. Hearing the commotion about windows and such in the quiet night, he had debated whether to douse the visitors with water. But before he could act, Grace had intervened.

Seeing her devastated expression as she stared at her reflection in the mirror, he thought better of saying anything that might worsen her mood. Why couldn’t she dress appropriately, even at home?

He resisted the urge to scold her for not listening when he had told her to buy new sleepwear. If he were to lecture her properly, he’d start with how an adult lady shouldn’t answer the door wearing just a nightgown and shawl.

In such an unsettled world, why was she so reckless? But since Charles Dodgson himself bore much of the responsibility for raising Grace Gurton into an untamed spirit, he chose to hold his tongue.

“Do you want to meet him? If not, I’ll handle it for you.”

Charles Dodgson, having attended Lady Montague’s funeral, had heard from Lord Anthony Montague about the relationship between the Young Earl and Grace. The revelation left him dazed even after returning to Grentabridge.

Before Grace left for Lydon, Charles had known about her habit of sneaking glances at Richard Spencer. But he hadn’t thought much of it, believing it to be a passing fancy. Grace had seemed happy at the time, and he had no reason to think otherwise.

But now, seeing the changed Grace, Charles couldn’t help but feel disheartened. If he had known things would turn out this way, he would have burned Lady Montague’s letter upon receiving it.

Who hasn’t experienced unrequited love in their youth? Charles Dodgson himself had once loved Annabel Lovelace, Grace Gurton’s mother, in his younger days.

When Lady Mary Montague had brought Annabel’s daughter to him, asking him to take care of her, he couldn’t refuse. Though he was a bachelor who had barely made eye contact with children before, he couldn’t turn away the girl who so resembled Annabel.

If Grace truly wished to marry Richard Spencer, Charles knew he couldn’t stop her. Even when she accepted Lady Montague’s invitation to go to Lydon, he hadn’t opposed her. That was the clear limitation of being her guardian rather than her family.

But deep down, he didn’t approve. He had opposed her entering high society and was even more against her involvement with the Spencer family—and not just any member, but their heir. It felt far too grand for Grace.

It wasn’t that Grace Gurton lacked merit. But there are relationships where the gap between two individuals cannot be bridged, no matter their abilities or personalities.

Charles Dodgson and Annabel Lovelace had been one such pair. Charles, a commoner struggling to afford even one meal a day, had fallen for Annabel, the daughter of a viscount, while secretly learning math from Reverend Lewis Gurton at the parish church.

But it had been a one-sided love. When Charles learned that Annabel had asked her cousin, Lord Anthony Montague, to be her patron, he had accepted the reality of his social limitations.

So perhaps that’s why it was even more shocking. When Annabel announced her pregnancy with Reverend Gurton’s child and their plans to marry, and later, when they disappeared. And finally, when he met the daughter they had left behind.

Is there truly a happy ending for love that transcends social status?

The journey itself might be happy, yes. During the time of love, one might believe they can abandon everything else for it. But what about the ending? It’s impossible to live buried in love forever. Eventually, they must return to reality and realize they cannot discard everything else for love.

And when that happens, it’s the one with less to lose who gets hurt. The more someone has, the harder it is to let go—that’s just the way the world works.

So, between Richard Spencer and Grace Gurton, who would end up unhappy…?

The reason the Montague couple received both praise and envy was that despite the gap between them, neither was hurt. That was thanks to Mary Montague.

In an imbalanced relationship, the effort of the one with more is crucial. Like a seesaw, the person sitting lower must push with their legs to let the other person enjoy the play.

Charles Dodgson glanced at Grace, who was groaning under the blanket. He wasn’t her father, nor her uncle, merely her guardian, but having cared for her for nearly a decade, he felt he could assert this much.

“No. Tomorrow, I’ll invite Richard Spencer here. Prepare to meet him as a guest.”

He needed to meet the Young Earl Spencer himself. As a former student who had attended his lectures, Richard Spencer had neither impressed nor disappointed Charles Dodgson. Among the slick noble heirs, Richard had shown unexpectedly decent manners and grades, so he remembered him.

But living in Grentabridge, Charles couldn’t be unaware of the disparaging nickname “narcissist” that followed the Young Earl. If he truly was such a person, Charles was prepared to lock Grace away to stop her.

“B-but… why would he want to visit…?”

Grace timidly peeked out from under the blanket and asked Charles Dodgson.

She couldn’t fathom why she and Richard Spencer needed to meet again. By now, there was nothing left between them.

Grace had resolved to end her unrequited love. She had returned to Grentabridge, to her cozy cave, to lead a comfortable and peaceful life.

The Richard Spencer she met in Lydon was a puzzling figure to Grace. He had stopped Theresius Wilford’s proposal, shown kindness to the students at the poorhouse, and Lady Mary Montague’s final request to entrust her nephew to Grace.

If such things had happened in a romance novel, one would naturally believe the male protagonist was in love with the female protagonist. But Grace and Richard lived in reality, and reality was infinitely more complex.

She vividly remembered the moment she pushed him away in front of the Montague mansion. Back then, she hadn’t realized that the fear and anxiety, which had grown under the surface of her unrequited love, were lurking just out of sight.

Then Richard Spencer, who raged like a storm, cracked the frozen layer of her emotions. And through the cracks, the immense fear hidden beneath surged forth, writhing and leaping.

No matter how angry she had been, Grace’s heart wasn’t so light as to declare she would never see Richard Spencer again simply out of momentary fury. But the sudden anxiety and fear that struck her made reality painfully clear.

It was because of Viscount Lovelace. Grace Gurton still had too many flaws. She was the stuttering daughter of Annabel Gurton, and now Viscount Lovelace, who demanded money, had added another flaw to her already long list.

Richard Spencer, arrogant and self-centered as he might be, was a transcendent figure to Grace. At least, he seemed that way to her. His status, wealth, and power elevated him to such heights.

Moreover, as he had said himself, the Young Earl wasn’t “so idle as to entertain the affections of a lowly, stuttering girl.” There was no reason to confuse kindness with love. Nor was there any need for such confusion.

Thus, it was impossible to place herself on the same level as Richard Spencer. The two didn’t match in the slightest.

Richard Spencer, far above the average, and Grace Gurton, far below it, were variables with an enormous gap. The smaller the gap, the more stable the equation. And so, Grace declared an end to their connection and chose to run away.

“I see you’re not saying you’ll never meet him again, Grace.”

Charles Dodgson sighed deeply, looking at her with a troubled expression. Then he flipped the blanket over her pale face and left the room.

This time, Grace didn’t argue back. Perhaps the confusion wasn’t caused by Richard Spencer but by her own heart, she thought, as she burrowed deeper into her bed.