A Butterfly Through the Mist - Chapter 83

Ilex remained standing there for a long time, even after Tilia had left.

He felt that purity had ended in this way. Perhaps, if enough time had passed, an opportunity might have come—but in the end, he had ruined everything himself.

The ridiculous part was that, despite it all, he didn’t regret a thing.

Now, Ilex knew himself. Even if he could turn back time, he wouldn’t have been able to resist Tilia’s temptation. No—if anything, the knowledge of the future would have made him kneel before her even faster.

A wild beast that has tasted meat can never return to being livestock.

Perhaps Tilia had seen through his nature all along. Maybe he truly was just the lust-driven trash she believed him to be.

Otherwise, how could he explain the fact that, even now, after everything had been ruined, he was still replaying the moment he had buried himself inside her?

Laughing hoarsely at his own depravity, he ran a hand through his hair and murmured with an oddly refreshed expression.

“…Fine.”

Acceptance made things easier. Admitting he could never be a saint brought a strange sense of peace.

“So that’s how you want to play it.”

Shedding the burden of pretentious courtesy and worthless morality, his true nature was laid bare.

Ilex, gazing at himself as if in doubt, smirked as he recalled the way Tilia had only relaxed after confirming that the pill he had given her was contraception.

His approach had changed. No longer would he trail behind her anxiously, worrying from afar. If he was to be despised anyway, he would ensure he received that hatred from the closest distance possible.

So. She wanted a scoundrel, did she?

With a smile that revealed his unchecked desire, Ilex’s eyes gleamed coldly.

***

From that day forward, Ilex openly followed Tilia Ambrose.

He no longer bothered hiding his presence. Even when she or her friends noticed him, he remained brazenly unashamed. When she finally lost patience and snapped at him, he would feign coincidence and continue hovering around her.

Tilia seemed utterly sick of him, but Ilex, on the other hand, was thoroughly enjoying himself.

Even if it was just to see her scowl at him, the mere act of locking eyes with her was satisfying.

It was a curious thing. After resigning himself to their utterly broken relationship and making his presence known without hesitation, the distance between them seemed to shrink—

Despite all the time he had spent carefully trying to approach her, the gap had always remained unbridgeable.

Strangely enough, the more brazenly he acted, the closer she seemed.

Was it merely wishful thinking, the hopeful delusion of a desperate man? Or was it an instinctive sense, the hunter’s intuition that he must seize an opportunity before it slipped away?

One thing was certain—this was far more satisfying than skulking in the shadows.

He should have done this from the start. The time he had spent agonizing and hesitating in the background now seemed utterly foolish.

Had he known how good it would feel to walk by her side, had he known how happy he would be even while facing her scornful gaze, he would have made his presence known from the very beginning.

The manufactured coincidences and contrived fate continued to pile up, increasing the points of contact between them.

And when, at last, a desperate Tilia impulsively accepted his offer to tutor her in Ontaroan, Ilex’s heart pounded so wildly that he couldn’t sleep all night.

Sleep was impossible. Every time he closed his eyes, he envisioned endless nights of walking alongside her, dissolving the darkness like a dream.

He knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep until morning, so he got up and searched for study materials. The petty pride of always appearing competent in front of her drove him to prepare obsessively.

Did Tilia know? Did she know that those nights, spent talking with her and strolling through the dimly lit academy grounds, were the most fulfilling moments of his life?

Did she know that, if he could take only one memory with him beyond death, he would choose those nights without hesitation?

He still remembered the day she first accepted a snack from him.

It had been an ordinary day—he had casually handed her a piece of chocolate, as he always did, never expecting her to take it.

He had assumed she would refuse, as usual. But this time, without hesitation, Tilia had taken it, unwrapped it indifferently, and placed it in her mouth.

The sight of that round piece of chocolate, held between her pale fingers, disappearing behind her red lips played in slow motion in his mind, stretching into eternity.

At that moment, it wasn’t the chocolate that melted inside her mouth—it was his heart.

It wasn’t the confection that was crushed between her white teeth and dissolved on her red tongue—it was his feelings.

When she swallowed, he felt as if he had been completely consumed by her.

As if his shattered, melted heart had become a part of her, fusing with her blood and flesh.

Thus, after she first ate something he brought her, Ilex had no choice but to practically turn his dormitory room into a convenience store.

He stocked his drawers with all kinds of chocolates, candies, and cookies that she might like, obsessing over his choices every day. Since the weather was cold today, would this one be better? No, she rejected this one yesterday, so perhaps this would be a better choice…

After much deliberation, he carefully placed it in his jacket pocket. Just in case, he tucked another one into his pants pocket.

Tilia would probably never know, not even in death, how much time he had spent standing in front of the snack shelves each day, agonizing over what to bring.

She would also never know how, when she rejected the treat he had painstakingly chosen, he pretended it didn’t bother him on the outside, but once back in his room, he spent hours analyzing his mistake to avoid repeating it.

However, not every day spent walking with her was filled with happiness.

There was a time when, overcome with the responsibility of ensuring Tilia passed and the pressure of not wanting to disappoint her, he pushed her too hard and ultimately caused her to suffer a nosebleed.

Drip. The sight of the bright red blood trickling down her pale face was something he could never forget.

It was only then that he realized he shouldn’t have ignored her frail wrists, that he shouldn’t have merely found her sulking over the heavy workload adorable.

“Reduce the lessons from now on.”

That wasn’t an easy thing for him to say. After all, he was the one who was desperate to see her for even one more day, for even one more hour.

“What?”

But Tilia, completely unaware of his feelings, widened her eyes and glared at him with her pale face.

“I’m fine. It’s just because the air is dry. It’s nothing.”

As if. One more ‘it’s fine,’ and she’d probably collapse entirely.

“I said I can handle it. It’s not like you got a nosebleed, so why are you making a fuss?”

Ignoring Tilia’s stubbornness and forcing the reduced lessons wasn’t easy.

When she refused to meet his eyes in protest and rejected the snacks he offered, he wanted to throw everything aside, grab her by her thin wrists, and beg her to take care of herself.

The only thing that kept him from doing so was the resolve that he would never let her bleed again.

Yet even those days—when he walked beside her as she kicked at stones, burning with frustration—became precious memories.

Walking with her, watching her carefully observe his lip movements as she tried to mimic them, an inevitable thought always surfaced in his mind.

If only we could go to Ontaroa together. If only, instead of secretly imagining her home, I could be invited inside.

If Tilia knew what he was thinking, she would probably shove him straight into the lake. And yet, like an addict, Ilex couldn’t stop himself from indulging in the fantasy.

If only. If I could sit beside her, leaning against soft cushions. If I could keep choosing her snacks while making sure nothing bad ever reached her again…

By the time those thoughts, inflating wildly, had completely consumed his heart, he finally made his move.

He went to the Essentine mansion and retrieved his grandmother’s keepsake, which had been carefully stored away. And he began wearing it openly.

At first, he fashioned it into a necklace and wore it around his neck. But when Tilia failed to notice, he resorted to the absurd act of forcing the ill-fitting ring onto his pinky finger.

At last, the ever-diligent Tilia took notice of the ring. Not often, but occasionally, her gaze would flit toward it before quickly looking away.

Each time, Ilex desperately wished she would ask about it. He longed for her to demand to know what that ridiculous thing was. He had rewritten and rehearsed his explanation every night, refining his words in anticipation.

But, as always, Tilia only spared it the briefest glance, never fulfilling his wish.

In frustration, even the ring he had once wanted to offer her like a treat began to seem like an eyesore.

As he secretly sighed beside her, Tilia, ever the brilliant student, continued to improve at an astonishing pace. As expected of the sharp-witted Tilia Ambrose, she absorbed knowledge like a sponge.

Time slipped away too quickly, like sand through his fingers, and before he knew it, graduation exams were just around the corner. More and more, he found himself fidgeting with the ring, mumbling under his breath.

Would he really have to let Tilia go like this? Would he really have to send her away after tasting only the briefest happiness?

He was a wild beast that had failed to be tamed. A defrocked priest who had already experienced the joy of standing beside the one he loved.

But his confession—his selfish desire—would have to wait until after her exams. Only when she was free to react however she pleased would he finally reveal what had been swelling inside him.

And so, he suppressed the confession that had risen to his throat, waiting for her exams to end.

But just then—at the very moment he had been holding back for—something happened.