A Butterfly Through the Mist - Chapter 20

Ah, my back…

Tilia, barely able to stand on her shaky legs after washing, collapsed onto the bed. Her body, which had been tense before, now began to scream in pain.

There wasn’t a single part of her that didn’t ache. From the insides of her thighs, which she had never been conscious of before, to the visible parts of her body—everything was in an abnormal state.

Why does my stomach hurt?

As she massaged her hardened abdominal muscles, Tilia gave up thinking about it and buried her face in the pillow.

No matter how much she thought about it, she felt she had made the right choice in sending Judy away. For a brief moment, she had felt the urge to confide everything to Judy, whose eyes were filled with concern…

‘I was surprised enough. If Judy found out, she would have been horrified.’

A noble lady who had lived her whole life in a sheltered environment wouldn’t have been able to handle what Tilia had gone through. Judy would have cried angrily, her teary eyes fixed on Tilia, saying: ‘Why didn’t you come to me? Why didn’t you just ask me to get the antidote for you!’

Imagining Judy crying while scolding her, Tilia couldn’t help but laugh. But despite the upturned corners of her mouth, her empty eyes were far from laughing.

She was well aware of how tough she was, but she never thought she was this much so. Tilia rolled over, feeling as though she were sinking lower and lower.

‘It’s fine. It’s not like I’m the type to put any special meaning on firsts, anyway.’

No matter how hard she tried to brush it off, the crushed feeling gnawing at the edge of her chest wouldn’t go away. With her arm covering her eyes, Tilia slowly exhaled.

As the silence settled in, she habitually heard her mother’s voice echoing in her ears.

“Read as much as you want, Tilia. Why shouldn’t a woman study? Learn what you want, and live as you wish. Let your brilliant talent bloom to the fullest.”

Her mother’s voice had been so kind. But then, just as quickly, it had turned cold and cynical, followed by her mocking laughter.

“No! What studying? What books? Throw all of that away and just buy yourself dresses! The best thing for a woman is to catch a rich man!”

Her mother’s curse-like laughter echoed in her mind. Though Tilia had long since forgotten her mother’s face—always smelling of alcohol—her voice still lingered, tormenting her.

Her mother’s advice had always been contradictory. Between becoming a smart woman and catching a rich man, Tilia had chosen the former. She had thoroughly rejected the latter.

Because, as miserable as it was, she resembled her mother. She had never wanted to walk the same path her mother had chosen.

So how had things ended up like this? She had been so careful, always on guard.

Tilia let out a sigh that seemed to come from the depths of her chest as she lowered her arm. Only now that she had caught her breath did she begin to fully grasp the situation.

Of all people, it had to be Ilex Davenport.

The fact that she had slept with Ilex Davenport weighed heavily on her mind. What if someone had seen her entering his room? What if Ilex spread stories about their time together for fun?

One worry led to another, each more alarming than the last. And what if… what if she ended up pregnant?

A cold, sinking feeling settled in her chest.

With trembling hands, Tilia touched her hardened stomach and shook her head. There was no way. She had taken the medicine Ilex Davenport had given her.

She had heard rumors almost daily about people going in and out of his room, but in the four years she had been at the academy, she had never heard of him getting anyone pregnant. The contraceptive pill he had given her must have been highly effective.

‘Yes, it’ll be fine.’

Tilia closed her eyes, trying to calm her racing heart. Now that she had acknowledged the real danger of pregnancy, everything else seemed trivial.

Even if rumors spread, even if people whispered about her, it didn’t matter. She would graduate soon anyway. Once she graduated, she would leave the capital and start a new life, so none of this would matter.

Tilia pulled the blanket over her head and repeated to herself: ‘It doesn’t matter. This isn’t my real life.’ Soon, this false life would end, and the life she had planned would begin.

What Tilia needed right now wasn’t a plan—it was rest. With each inhalation and exhalation, she whispered reassurances to herself until, slowly, she drifted off to sleep.

But even in her sleep, trying to escape from him, Ilex Davenport tormented her. The events of today, buried in her subconscious, played out as a nightmare.

In her dreams, Tilia was crushed like a trampled flower, forced to accept him. Even in her drug-induced state, she had thought to herself, ‘This isn’t right. This is too much.’ It felt suffocating. It was as if he had forcibly broken into places he shouldn’t have entered, making her body tremble uncontrollably.

“Why are you crying so much?”

Ilex asked her gently, as if genuinely concerned, even though she was silently crying.

“Is it too deep? Or maybe…”

There was something chilling mixed into his seemingly kind voice.

“Are you just someone who cries easily?”

With those words, the sensation of his intrusion deepened. Unable to form words, Tilia struggled and writhed, making inarticulate sounds as he trapped her body, preventing her escape.

She must have said something through her sobs—something that sounded like a plea. She couldn’t remember what, but she knew it must have been something close to begging. She recalled that as soon as she mumbled, the hard pressure of his body had eased slightly, and she had been able to breathe a little easier.

“Don’t cry.”

As if he had never acted coldly, Ilex pressed his damp cheek against her tear-streaked one.

“When you cry, I don’t know what to do.”

Bastard. He said that, but he didn’t stop. What had she been thinking as she scratched his back with her nails?

Oh, right. She had thought she finally understood why so many women liked him.

Despite being so cold, despite asking her whether she even knew who he was, at the moment their bodies were intertwined, he treated her like a beloved lover.

When he kissed the back of her injured hand, his actions were both respectful and gentle. When he intertwined their fingers and locked eyes with her, his touch was tender. His gaze, as if he had finally achieved something he had longed for, was filled with shy joy.

Tilia had felt like a fish trapped in the bars of his gaze, struggling helplessly in the sea of sheets.

“You didn’t know, did you?”

Then came Ilex Davenport’s incomprehensible words.

“You didn’t know you’d end up doing something like this with me, did you?”

His cruel words made her expression freeze, but even then, he didn’t let go of her intertwined hand.

“I knew from the beginning.”

His voice, deep and calm, whispered into her damp ear.

“You and I… we were always going to end up like this.”

Gasp.

Evening had crept in, bringing darkness with it. Tilia, who had woken up gasping for breath, quickly glanced around her, her face drenched in cold sweat.

Fortunately, Ilex Davenport was nowhere to be seen. She had awoken in her own room, not in the unbearably elegant dormitory of Ilex Davenport, but in the modest double room she shared with Judy.

‘What kind of dream is so vivid?’

Tilia shuddered as she rubbed her ears roughly. The sensation of him nibbling on her earlobe still lingered, disgusting her.

That bastard. Even in my dreams, he’s relentless. She sighed, a mixture of relief and irritation escaping her lips as she covered her face with her hands.

But even with her eyes closed, his voice echoed in her mind like an unshakable ringing in her ears. “I knew from the beginning. You and I… we were always going to end up like this.”

‘What does that even mean?’

Tilia massaged her throbbing temples with her hands, then her eyes suddenly widened in realization. She remembered something she had overheard in the past—among those vulgar boys, who had made crude bets about who would “have her” first.

‘No way… Was Ilex Davenport part of that bet too?’

The idea seemed plausible to Tilia, and she nodded in agreement with her own thoughts. Although she didn’t recall him being part of that group of boys, she wouldn’t be surprised. After all, he was just another one of those men with questionable character.

‘Not that I’ve ever been sure there’s such a thing as a decent man in the first place.’

Tilia smirked cynically as she recalled something else Ilex had said to her earlier that day.

“I’ve wanted to sleep with you for a while now.”

‘So that’s what he meant.’

Tilia casually concluded as she sat up from her bed, her body still aching. His words, which had seemed mysterious at the time, were now easy to understand. It was nothing more than a typical, arrogant statement from a man intoxicated with victory. There was no need to dwell on it or ponder its deeper meaning.

‘But… will rumors start to spread?’

As Tilia thought about how much men loved to brag about their conquests, she sighed deeply. Just then, she heard a commotion outside, followed by a loud bang as the door burst open.

“Tilia!”

Her roommate, Judy, came rushing in, carrying a large box.